Hierdie jaar het ek bietjie van ‘n love-hate relationship met die stilte. Aan die begin was ek nogal verbouereerd elke keer as ek by die huis stop en besef ekt niks om die aand/naweek te doen nie. Deesdae hou ek nogal daarvan. Maar dit beteken nie eks nie mal opgewonde as ek iets het om te doen nie!
Maar daar is nog dae wat ek die deur oopsluit en dan sit daai stil-hartseer vir my en wag. Of dit klop aan my deur en nooi himself in soos ‘n ou vriend, of seker meer soos familie, want dis asof die hartseer partykeer veels te gemaklik in my hart is. En soos gewoonlik over-stay die hartseer sy welcome heeltemal. Party oggende word ek wakker en eks soos “Is jy nogsteeds hier? Het ek nie al vir jou totsiens gese nie?”
Dalk hang vir van my af. Van of ek die deur oopmaak. Daar is tog ‘n plek vir hartseer, maar daai tipe wat vir ‘n rukkie kom kuier en dan een oggend staan jy op en hys weg. Maar partykeer is daar die hartseer wat bly. En dalk is dit omdat mens wil he dat hy bly. Mens vergeet hoe dit is om nie hartseer te wees nie. Mens vergeet hoe die die son voel en hoe dit is om saam vriende te kuier. En soms kan mens nie alleen van die hartseer ontsla raak nie, dis net saam God wat jy dit weer by die deur kan uitsit. Maar soms is dit tog ‘n besluit. Of ‘n herinnering aan ‘n tyd voor die hartseer himself in jou hart ingetrek het.
Ek voel nie particularly hartseer deesdae nie. Ek voel eintlik regtig goed. Maar ek onthou hoe dit is as die hartseer intrek en dan kan mens nie eers onthou dat hierdie tyd van mens bestaan het nie. Ek dink die duiwel jok vir mens. Dis amper asof mens ‘n romanse met die hartseer aangaan. Asof dit ‘n permanente verhouding word. Amper soos om in die verkeerde verhouding te wees, maar mens bly want dis bekend en veilig. As jy hartseer is word niks van jou verwag nie. Jy verwag niks van jouself nie. En eendag as jy ophou hartseer is dan moet jy opstaan. En dis moeite. Jy moet weer probeer. Weer kanse vat. Weer waag om eendag hartseer te wees. Dalk is dit makliker om net te bly?
Maar ek moet, op sulke dae, myself herinner dat dit tydelik is en dat dit worth it is om bietjie die kans te vat en op te staan. Partykeer verras geluk jou, net soos hartseer. ‘n Onverwagse lekker aand of ‘n oproep van ‘n vriend of net daai oomblik wat jy agterkom jyt vergeet van dit wat jou hartseer maak, al is dit net vir ‘n paar uur. En mens sal weer opstaan en mens sal weer aangaan.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
In awe
I have to confess
I am in total awe
Almost admiration
Of the way you manage to get up and leave
So easily
By the way you effortlessly say goodbye
And never even phone again
As if the existence of me in your life
Was simply
Arbitrary
I know we call each other friends
If that is what would make you
Feel better about yourself
Or maybe simply for my own sake
As if any of us believe the label
And I know I can call you now
If I wanted to
But say what?
That I sometimes miss you so much I can’t breathe
It simply wouldn’t do
Because by this afternoon
You would have forgotten that you’ve even heard my voice today
And I’d once again simply be
A fleeting thought
In the back of your mind
I am in total awe
Almost admiration
Of the way you manage to get up and leave
So easily
By the way you effortlessly say goodbye
And never even phone again
As if the existence of me in your life
Was simply
Arbitrary
I know we call each other friends
If that is what would make you
Feel better about yourself
Or maybe simply for my own sake
As if any of us believe the label
And I know I can call you now
If I wanted to
But say what?
That I sometimes miss you so much I can’t breathe
It simply wouldn’t do
Because by this afternoon
You would have forgotten that you’ve even heard my voice today
And I’d once again simply be
A fleeting thought
In the back of your mind
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Disability event
Today we had a big charity event for children with disabilities. This took almost two months of planning: finding sponsors, phoning the same sponsors again and again, driving up and down for quotes, typing letters, organising busses, phoning people to come to the event, inviting guest speakers, making goodie bags, working out budgets, begging people for money… this was endless doing and re-doing. Especially in government where something that should take 2 minutes ends up taking 20. So you might not actually be doing that much, it just takes that long to do.
The past few days consisted of picking up sponsorships, lugging around 400 cans of colddrink, driving up and down to stores and back, running and phoning to confirm and re-confirm, decorating, buying food. And today finally getting up just past 5 to be there at 6, chopping onions, cooking food, telling people where to go and what to do, re-doing what people didn’t do right, organising and… oh my goodness I’m tired just from typing this.
And I can say with all the glory to God and thanks to everyone involved that it was an outstanding success. A lot of frustration and stress later and everyone was in the hall and the events began. We invited a school of able-bodied children’s grade 1 class to perform an item. These were the sweetest, quiets, most well-behaved children I’ve ever seen. They arrived a good hour and a half before the event, sitting quietly in the hall waiting for the events to begin. Then during the event they were so well-behaved. And the items they performed. I’ve never seen such talent. 28 grade 1’s who know exactly where to stand, what to do and how loud to speak so people can hear them. They were thoroughly entertaining!
But the best for me was just learning from the black culture. Or rural culture. Or whatever politically correct way there is to say it. During the event people would spontaneously burst out in song. Children would dance in front and return to their seats. Disabled children would move to the music with smiles bigger than sunshine. Mothers of disabled children moved in their seats with children on their backs. It was so amazing. Their absolute freedom to…thoroughly enjoy themselves. None of the white conservative no-it’s-not-on-the-programme “we can’t sing now” mentality. The event was about what the audience wanted and if they wanted to sing, then we sang! And a lot of it was worship songs. Their freedom to worship God where-ever they got the chance was simply amazing. I am still in awe.
And when push came to shove everyone really (finally) did their share!! People were really keen to help. And get free food eventually J But I was impressed at the turn-out of people. And watching people’s faces during the event. I didn’t understand much because 90% was in sotho or shangaan or something, but looking at the faces of mothers and children I just realized that, even for a few hours, we could make them smile. We could give them hope. We could give them encouragement and show them that others are in the same boat as they are.
I think that’s what we, as part of the human race, need to remember. Others are also in the same boat. You are not the only one going through what you’re going through. Be it a broken heart, death of a loved one, making a difficult decision, or even being happy and being in a moment you enjoy, you are not alone in this. There are people everywhere suffering the same as you, laughing the same as you, learning the same as you, enjoying the same as you and simply living the same as you. God made us like this. To work together, to be together, to suffer together, to enjoy together! I hope that, whatever you are doing today, tonight, you know that you are not alone. Everything is better when we share it!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS
I'm going through a little bit of a hard time, but I just want to declare how much the Lord has blessed me in this time. Usually when things like this happen I'm not strong at all. I fall apart. I do whatever you're not supposed to do to hide from the pain and sadness. But this time it's like God is holding me up. Like He is keeping me in His hand. I know he will never let go. Things may seem bad or hopeless, but I have so much peace. God will never let me fall. I can say that with so much certainty. With more certainty than I know the bed I am sitting on will hold me. God is keeping me safe. He is close to the brokenhearted.
And I realised two things in this time. I've been thinking about this for a while but is practially experiencing it now. When things are bad, when we cannot see God's plan or feel His hand, when we hurt and life sucks, and we STILL serve God. When we serve God even though we don't have a reason to. Then God wins. Then the devil loses. It's easy to serve God when things are going well. Can you not fall apart, can you stay on track, can you STILL SERVE HIM AND DECLARE HIS GLORY WHEN THINGS ARE BAD???
And the second thing, what we do NOW, how we handle things now and spend our time now, determines our future. I'd spent a lot of time with God the past few months, and I hadn't realised the impact then, but I'm picking the fruits now. The time with him previously, is paying off now. I am stronger and at peace now. God is still my rock even when my world is shaking. And how I handle things now will determine my future. If I run away now and fill up my time with things that keep my mind off my pain, I won't learn anything. I won't become even stronger for next time. I won't learn to rely on God. I will simply be running away. But if I face it now, however painful it may be, if I turn to God now and rely on Him like it's life or death...that will determine my future. That will make me strong for things to come. I hav ethe chance and opportunity now to shape myself into the kind of woman that God wants me to be. I will rejoice in my suffering!
I will declare his beautiful name!!
And a poem...it happens when I let my mind loose sometimes.
It’s almost like sadness
The way I feel about you
The way I think about you and I’m sure
That my heart is hurting
I vaguely remember what sadness feels like
It is this feeling
Isn’t it?
It’s almost like a dream
The way I think of us
Of the lifetime that passed in the space
Of a few days
Or maybe it had simply been in my mind
Almost like a dream
It’s almost like missing you
When I try to remember how I felt about you
Missing what we had
If it had been something
Or maybe we had simply imagined it to be true
It’s almost like I lost something special
But I can’t quite remember why
Like a vague feeling of regret
Is it that?
Or simply the thought of what might have been?
How can I forget so quickly
Else it was simply in my mind
Maybe I’d simply dreamed it all
Maybe it was really nothing at all
And I realised two things in this time. I've been thinking about this for a while but is practially experiencing it now. When things are bad, when we cannot see God's plan or feel His hand, when we hurt and life sucks, and we STILL serve God. When we serve God even though we don't have a reason to. Then God wins. Then the devil loses. It's easy to serve God when things are going well. Can you not fall apart, can you stay on track, can you STILL SERVE HIM AND DECLARE HIS GLORY WHEN THINGS ARE BAD???
And the second thing, what we do NOW, how we handle things now and spend our time now, determines our future. I'd spent a lot of time with God the past few months, and I hadn't realised the impact then, but I'm picking the fruits now. The time with him previously, is paying off now. I am stronger and at peace now. God is still my rock even when my world is shaking. And how I handle things now will determine my future. If I run away now and fill up my time with things that keep my mind off my pain, I won't learn anything. I won't become even stronger for next time. I won't learn to rely on God. I will simply be running away. But if I face it now, however painful it may be, if I turn to God now and rely on Him like it's life or death...that will determine my future. That will make me strong for things to come. I hav ethe chance and opportunity now to shape myself into the kind of woman that God wants me to be. I will rejoice in my suffering!
I will declare his beautiful name!!
And a poem...it happens when I let my mind loose sometimes.
It’s almost like sadness
The way I feel about you
The way I think about you and I’m sure
That my heart is hurting
I vaguely remember what sadness feels like
It is this feeling
Isn’t it?
It’s almost like a dream
The way I think of us
Of the lifetime that passed in the space
Of a few days
Or maybe it had simply been in my mind
Almost like a dream
It’s almost like missing you
When I try to remember how I felt about you
Missing what we had
If it had been something
Or maybe we had simply imagined it to be true
It’s almost like I lost something special
But I can’t quite remember why
Like a vague feeling of regret
Is it that?
Or simply the thought of what might have been?
How can I forget so quickly
Else it was simply in my mind
Maybe I’d simply dreamed it all
Maybe it was really nothing at all
Friday, August 14, 2009
my mistake
Last year I was very upset at a friend of mine. He had moved to Cape Town a while ago and met a girl there and very quickly proposed and planned to marry her. He phoned me one day and told me that he could not be my friend anymore. This was mainly due to the girl's jealousy and his "checkered" past. She didn't know which of his friends were just friends and which friends she needed to be jealous of or that he might do something with. And I know him and he would never cheat on her. He has character and integrity. At the time I blamed the girl and I was very upset at him for not seeing that this was her problem and she needed to deal with it.
But
Recently I realised that I was wrong. Yes she was insecure. Yes she didn't need to be. But he needed to take her side. She was the woman he was going to marry and he had to chose her always. Even if she was wrong. Even if she was being unreasonable. He should always be on her side, always defend her, always protect her and always show her she is first in his life.
It took me a while, but I forgive him even though I realise now that he did the right thing. I understand it now.
But
Recently I realised that I was wrong. Yes she was insecure. Yes she didn't need to be. But he needed to take her side. She was the woman he was going to marry and he had to chose her always. Even if she was wrong. Even if she was being unreasonable. He should always be on her side, always defend her, always protect her and always show her she is first in his life.
It took me a while, but I forgive him even though I realise now that he did the right thing. I understand it now.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Today I went to Machadadorp for a meeting. I was driving with my co-worker, a physiotherapist, who is a black man. Me and him are sort-of friends, but I am still a little wary of him for a few reasons. I've also gotten very angry at him on occasion because of lack of motivation/enthusiasm/laziness (Which I am beginning to understand due to the conditions we work in, but am by no means trying to excuse)
Anyway. So after the meeting we were hungry and went to get lunch at this little take-away place and decided to sit there at a table and eat. And I was suddenly aware of a woman blatantly staring at us. I don't know wether she thought he was my boyfriend or just disgusted at the fact that a young white woman is sitting with a black man. And I was even more surprised at my reaction, suddenly acutely aware that I was sitting with him at a table and people were staring. When it comes to racial issues me and my friends are pretty much open to anything. We don't have racial issues and I don't judge people on the colour of their skin. Or I try not to. But I realise that it's beginning to seep into me. Or it was probably always there and it's starting to present itsself now. Even at work, or when I meet someone new, and they are not white, I immediately (even though before today subconsciously) judged them as being "less educated" and "less knowing" in their field or in their vocation. I give their thoughts or comments seconds thoughts and trust little of what they say regarding work.
I have what you would call an "educated" black friend or a "westernised" or whatever crap we come up with to put people in boxes. And being with him I never felt that people were judging or whatever. And this black man today, I know him as self-confident and not afraid to state his opinion, but in this totally different enviroment he became quiet and introverted. And I tried to think of things from his side. Growing up in bushbuckridge, not knowing much english when he was younger, not knowing anything else but the rural ways of his parents and their beliefs, a situation like this was totally out of him comfort zone. Exacerbated by the fact that rude people openly stare...I could understand the discomfort. And it came to me suddenly that, maybe he doesn't work and stay where he does because he likes it, maybe it's just a place where he feels wanted and accepted. And who of us can say that we do not make decisions to fit into our comfort zones. Would any of us move to and stay in bushbuckridge, for whatever reason? Such a decision would not be made lightly. And I always get angry at the people who I work with for not having more ambition and motivation, but me, myself, would I be able to make such a "leap" out of my comfort zone, into another community, especially into a community where people do not accept me at first.
Wow, so many things are going through my mind. I am a little dissapointed for finding this tiny bit of judgement or whatever kind of racism on my inside. Or discrimination, probably a better word. Even if it's just my thoughts. Our thoughts do, in the end, determine our actions.
I spoke to my home cell leader about my boss because she endlessly gets on my nerves and I have become very negative and stubborn towards her. I ignore most of what she says and value her opinion very little. And he gave me some good advice. When dealing with people, always give them the benefit of the doubt. If she is snappy or irritated towards me, try to "solve" in my mind that she might be having a bad day or had a fight with her husband. This will set the tone of how I react towards her and again her reaction towards me. And also, try to see what the other person needs. Try to meet her needs. Like... does she need acceptance, value, confidence? Does she simply need to be valued in her position of authority?
And even if she is wrong, which I really feel she is a lot of the time, so what. I can deal with it better than I am dealing with it now. God does not expect me to only love and respect the people who are good to me. He expects me to love and respect my enemies. People that hate me. People that are mean to me. People that ignore me. People that are openly discriminating against me. Because that is how we share his love. No one will notice if you are nice to someone who is nice to you. But someone will notice if you are nice to those who are mean to you.
And this is much, much, much easier said than done. And I will need to pray every morning for new patience and new grace. This does not come naturally to me. I am rebellious and stubborn by nature. But I want to adopt God's nature. And I really, really pray that He helps me to do this, because in myseld there is just no strenght.
Anyway. So after the meeting we were hungry and went to get lunch at this little take-away place and decided to sit there at a table and eat. And I was suddenly aware of a woman blatantly staring at us. I don't know wether she thought he was my boyfriend or just disgusted at the fact that a young white woman is sitting with a black man. And I was even more surprised at my reaction, suddenly acutely aware that I was sitting with him at a table and people were staring. When it comes to racial issues me and my friends are pretty much open to anything. We don't have racial issues and I don't judge people on the colour of their skin. Or I try not to. But I realise that it's beginning to seep into me. Or it was probably always there and it's starting to present itsself now. Even at work, or when I meet someone new, and they are not white, I immediately (even though before today subconsciously) judged them as being "less educated" and "less knowing" in their field or in their vocation. I give their thoughts or comments seconds thoughts and trust little of what they say regarding work.
I have what you would call an "educated" black friend or a "westernised" or whatever crap we come up with to put people in boxes. And being with him I never felt that people were judging or whatever. And this black man today, I know him as self-confident and not afraid to state his opinion, but in this totally different enviroment he became quiet and introverted. And I tried to think of things from his side. Growing up in bushbuckridge, not knowing much english when he was younger, not knowing anything else but the rural ways of his parents and their beliefs, a situation like this was totally out of him comfort zone. Exacerbated by the fact that rude people openly stare...I could understand the discomfort. And it came to me suddenly that, maybe he doesn't work and stay where he does because he likes it, maybe it's just a place where he feels wanted and accepted. And who of us can say that we do not make decisions to fit into our comfort zones. Would any of us move to and stay in bushbuckridge, for whatever reason? Such a decision would not be made lightly. And I always get angry at the people who I work with for not having more ambition and motivation, but me, myself, would I be able to make such a "leap" out of my comfort zone, into another community, especially into a community where people do not accept me at first.
Wow, so many things are going through my mind. I am a little dissapointed for finding this tiny bit of judgement or whatever kind of racism on my inside. Or discrimination, probably a better word. Even if it's just my thoughts. Our thoughts do, in the end, determine our actions.
I spoke to my home cell leader about my boss because she endlessly gets on my nerves and I have become very negative and stubborn towards her. I ignore most of what she says and value her opinion very little. And he gave me some good advice. When dealing with people, always give them the benefit of the doubt. If she is snappy or irritated towards me, try to "solve" in my mind that she might be having a bad day or had a fight with her husband. This will set the tone of how I react towards her and again her reaction towards me. And also, try to see what the other person needs. Try to meet her needs. Like... does she need acceptance, value, confidence? Does she simply need to be valued in her position of authority?
And even if she is wrong, which I really feel she is a lot of the time, so what. I can deal with it better than I am dealing with it now. God does not expect me to only love and respect the people who are good to me. He expects me to love and respect my enemies. People that hate me. People that are mean to me. People that ignore me. People that are openly discriminating against me. Because that is how we share his love. No one will notice if you are nice to someone who is nice to you. But someone will notice if you are nice to those who are mean to you.
And this is much, much, much easier said than done. And I will need to pray every morning for new patience and new grace. This does not come naturally to me. I am rebellious and stubborn by nature. But I want to adopt God's nature. And I really, really pray that He helps me to do this, because in myseld there is just no strenght.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
passion
I really want to get married and have children one day. I’m sure every girl does. But today I realized I want to be more than that. I want to be someone who lives for God and who really makes a difference for Him. Who fights on His side to make a difference. I even realized today that I’ll give up the whole happily-ever-after thing if I could intensely live for God. If I had to choose. I’m not sure what that entails, but God has given me all these ideas and passions in my heart, and I believe He gave them to me for a reason. I think when I dream of my passions (acting, children, writing ect) I truly believe He is dreaming right next to me. I gave me these passions and dreams for a reason. When I am indulging in them I feel closer to Him than I ever have. And I want to chase that “dream” and that “high” more than anything else. If I die tomorrow, I want to know that I lived today in a similar way that God would have lived it.
And that means something else for everyone. For someone it might mean feeding babies in Africa, for another person playing drums in a rock band, for another person simply fasting and praying. God made us all different for a reason. He made us as pieces of Him and representations of Him. Differently. That is why we have different passions and outlooks on life. And no one’s dream is wrong, and no one’s dream is “more worthy” than another’s.
I am thankful that I have this year of “silence” to think about my future and to sort out my dreams. And I am starting to believe more and more that God gave me what he gave me for a reason. He will open doors in the direction of my passions. A good friend reminded me the other day of this, by telling me a cool story about how God figured out a little bit of next year for her. Not gonna tell the whole thing, but He included all her passions in His plan and opened doors for her.
Somehow the devil has managed to get a hold on my heart and emotions and mind the past couple of days. Until I realized today that the devil keeps me worrying about silly things, just to keep me occupied and to keep my mind off the thoughts God has planned for me. The devil doesn’t really care what I worry about or spend my time on, as long as it’s not on God and His things and plans. As long as I’m being passive and mediocre at what I do, then the devil is winning. I don’t actively have to be participating in evil, for me to serve the devil. All evil needs to take over is for good men to sit back and watch.
And I think for now, for tomorrow, for this week, my “goal” and “passion” might simply be to try and hear God’s voice in the workplace. To be patient with my patients (he he) and to be calm and not get angry or upset and not be overly emotional at ever little thing that goes wrong. To simply listen to what God wants me to do, even if it feels like wasting time to me. Maybe to learn patience. So I’m trying that, for now.
And that means something else for everyone. For someone it might mean feeding babies in Africa, for another person playing drums in a rock band, for another person simply fasting and praying. God made us all different for a reason. He made us as pieces of Him and representations of Him. Differently. That is why we have different passions and outlooks on life. And no one’s dream is wrong, and no one’s dream is “more worthy” than another’s.
I am thankful that I have this year of “silence” to think about my future and to sort out my dreams. And I am starting to believe more and more that God gave me what he gave me for a reason. He will open doors in the direction of my passions. A good friend reminded me the other day of this, by telling me a cool story about how God figured out a little bit of next year for her. Not gonna tell the whole thing, but He included all her passions in His plan and opened doors for her.
Somehow the devil has managed to get a hold on my heart and emotions and mind the past couple of days. Until I realized today that the devil keeps me worrying about silly things, just to keep me occupied and to keep my mind off the thoughts God has planned for me. The devil doesn’t really care what I worry about or spend my time on, as long as it’s not on God and His things and plans. As long as I’m being passive and mediocre at what I do, then the devil is winning. I don’t actively have to be participating in evil, for me to serve the devil. All evil needs to take over is for good men to sit back and watch.
And I think for now, for tomorrow, for this week, my “goal” and “passion” might simply be to try and hear God’s voice in the workplace. To be patient with my patients (he he) and to be calm and not get angry or upset and not be overly emotional at ever little thing that goes wrong. To simply listen to what God wants me to do, even if it feels like wasting time to me. Maybe to learn patience. So I’m trying that, for now.
Passions
I really want to get married and have children one day. I’m sure every girl does. But today I realized I want to be more than that. I want to be someone who lives for God and who really makes a difference for Him. Who fights on His side to make a difference. I even realized today that I’ll give up the whole happily-ever-after thing if I could intensely live for God. If I had to choose. I’m not sure what that entails, but God has given me all these ideas and passions in my heart, and I believe He gave them to me for a reason. I think when I dream of my passions (acting, children, writing ect) I truly believe He is dreaming right next to me. I gave me these passions and dreams for a reason. When I am indulging in them I feel closer to Him than I ever have. And I want to chase that “dream” and that “high” more than anything else. If I die tomorrow, I want to know that I lived today in a similar way that God would have lived it.
And that means something else for everyone. For someone it might mean feeding babies in Africa, for another person playing drums in a rock band, for another person simply fasting and praying. God made us all different for a reason. He made us as pieces of Him and representations of Him. Differently. That is why we have different passions and outlooks on life. And no one’s dream is wrong, and no one’s dream is “more worthy” than another’s.
I am thankful that I have this year of “silence” to think about my future and to sort out my dreams. And I am starting to believe more and more that God gave me what he gave me for a reason. He will open doors in the direction of my passions. A good friend reminded me the other day of this, by telling me a cool story about how God figured out a little bit of next year for her. Not gonna tell the whole thing, but He included all her passions in His plan and opened doors for her.
Somehow the devil has managed to get a hold on my heart and emotions and mind the past couple of days. Until I realized today that the devil keeps me worrying about silly things, just to keep me occupied and to keep my mind off the thoughts God has planned for me. The devil doesn’t really care what I worry about or spend my time on, as long as it’s not on God and His things and plans. As long as I’m being passive and mediocre at what I do, then the devil is winning. I don’t actively have to be participating in evil, for me to serve the devil. All evil needs to take over is for good men to sit back and watch.
And I think for now, for tomorrow, for this week, my “goal” and “passion” might simply be to try and hear God’s voice in the workplace. To be patient with my patients (he he) and to be calm and not get angry or upset and not be overly emotional at ever little thing that goes wrong. To simply listen to what God wants me to do, even if it feels like wasting time to me. Maybe to learn patience. So I’m trying that, for now.
And that means something else for everyone. For someone it might mean feeding babies in Africa, for another person playing drums in a rock band, for another person simply fasting and praying. God made us all different for a reason. He made us as pieces of Him and representations of Him. Differently. That is why we have different passions and outlooks on life. And no one’s dream is wrong, and no one’s dream is “more worthy” than another’s.
I am thankful that I have this year of “silence” to think about my future and to sort out my dreams. And I am starting to believe more and more that God gave me what he gave me for a reason. He will open doors in the direction of my passions. A good friend reminded me the other day of this, by telling me a cool story about how God figured out a little bit of next year for her. Not gonna tell the whole thing, but He included all her passions in His plan and opened doors for her.
Somehow the devil has managed to get a hold on my heart and emotions and mind the past couple of days. Until I realized today that the devil keeps me worrying about silly things, just to keep me occupied and to keep my mind off the thoughts God has planned for me. The devil doesn’t really care what I worry about or spend my time on, as long as it’s not on God and His things and plans. As long as I’m being passive and mediocre at what I do, then the devil is winning. I don’t actively have to be participating in evil, for me to serve the devil. All evil needs to take over is for good men to sit back and watch.
And I think for now, for tomorrow, for this week, my “goal” and “passion” might simply be to try and hear God’s voice in the workplace. To be patient with my patients (he he) and to be calm and not get angry or upset and not be overly emotional at ever little thing that goes wrong. To simply listen to what God wants me to do, even if it feels like wasting time to me. Maybe to learn patience. So I’m trying that, for now.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I just realized I don't think anyone reads this and...I dont even care.
I just need to get stuff out. Has been such a frustrating week for me and I don't even know why. People who just continuously get on my nerves. Or taking crap, taking crap, taking crap and then bursting. Or not spending enough time with God.
I miss Him
I just need to get stuff out. Has been such a frustrating week for me and I don't even know why. People who just continuously get on my nerves. Or taking crap, taking crap, taking crap and then bursting. Or not spending enough time with God.
I miss Him
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Random poems
This is what time should feel like
What a moment should feel like
Like a second suspended in space
Like a growing anticipation of a curtain
Before the first act starts
Before you know you will fly
Like closing your eyes in the rain
Or knowing your lover is on the other side of the door
Like the moment before you kiss
Or standing on the brink of something
Like breathing
A suspension of a moment
A feeling
A specific happiness
A perfection of a moment
Time painted in a still life
This is what a moment should feel like
~09/07/09
Vandag
Vandag soek ek jou
Om elke hoek en elke draai
En verwag jou stem
As ek my foon optel
Vandag sien ek jou in elke blommetjie
En elke straathoek en elke foto
Het ‘n storie om te vertel
Vandag wil ek jou blou oë saammet my koffie inneem
En jou bekende tree langs my hoor loop
Sonder om ‘n woord te praat
Vandag wil ek saammet jou maak of ons kan verf
En soos ‘n regte kunstenaar
Ons name op ligte teken
Vandag beleef ek jou in my gedagtes
En blaai ek elke bladsy van ons storie
Stadig om
Vandag wil ek jou groot postuur in my deur sien staan
En my hele dag net op jou skouers laai
Omdat ek weet jy sal dit vir my dra
Vandag wil ek net met jou dans
En sommer op jou tone trap
Omdat ek weet jy nie sal dink ek’s stupid nie
Vandag wens ek ek kon in jou oop arms inhardloop
En dat jy my in die ronde sal draai
Soos net jy kan
Vandag wil ek jou hoor lag uit jou maag uit
En saamlag
Omdat die lewe heeltemal te ernstig is
Vandag wil met jou baklei dat die spoeg spat
Want ek weet ons sal more oggend met ‘n glimlag opstaan
En saam kaalvoet in die reën kan hardloop
Vandag wil ek jou onvoorwaardelike vriendskap so intents beleef
Want ek weet dit hang nie af van hoeveel keer ek kerkoe gaan
Of dronkraak in die square nie
Maar net van jou en my
Vandag wil in my spore omdraai
En terughardloop na gister
Waar ons nog net kinders was
En al die seerkry
Net toneelspel
Vandag wil ek lank met jou gesels
Oor diep dinge
En dan lag tot almal vir ons kyk
Vandag wil sommer net sit en weet
Dat jy daar is
~2005
Eenvoud
Dis amper asof jy
‘n deel van my stadig
stukkie vir stukkie
oopdraai
en amper asof ek nie eers omgee nie
en dit waarvoor ek bang was
met elke woord van jou
stadig verdwyn
en jy maak my rustig
sonder om hard te probeer
en sonder moeite
maak jou binnekant my kalm
en ek word hartseer oor jou
net oor ek gewoond is aan hartseer wees
en jys vir my soos
eerlikheid moet wees
en vrede moet voel
en ek besef nou eers dat ek nog altyd van eenvoud gehou het
al het ek agter drama aangehardloop
What a moment should feel like
Like a second suspended in space
Like a growing anticipation of a curtain
Before the first act starts
Before you know you will fly
Like closing your eyes in the rain
Or knowing your lover is on the other side of the door
Like the moment before you kiss
Or standing on the brink of something
Like breathing
A suspension of a moment
A feeling
A specific happiness
A perfection of a moment
Time painted in a still life
This is what a moment should feel like
~09/07/09
Vandag
Vandag soek ek jou
Om elke hoek en elke draai
En verwag jou stem
As ek my foon optel
Vandag sien ek jou in elke blommetjie
En elke straathoek en elke foto
Het ‘n storie om te vertel
Vandag wil ek jou blou oë saammet my koffie inneem
En jou bekende tree langs my hoor loop
Sonder om ‘n woord te praat
Vandag wil ek saammet jou maak of ons kan verf
En soos ‘n regte kunstenaar
Ons name op ligte teken
Vandag beleef ek jou in my gedagtes
En blaai ek elke bladsy van ons storie
Stadig om
Vandag wil ek jou groot postuur in my deur sien staan
En my hele dag net op jou skouers laai
Omdat ek weet jy sal dit vir my dra
Vandag wil ek net met jou dans
En sommer op jou tone trap
Omdat ek weet jy nie sal dink ek’s stupid nie
Vandag wens ek ek kon in jou oop arms inhardloop
En dat jy my in die ronde sal draai
Soos net jy kan
Vandag wil ek jou hoor lag uit jou maag uit
En saamlag
Omdat die lewe heeltemal te ernstig is
Vandag wil met jou baklei dat die spoeg spat
Want ek weet ons sal more oggend met ‘n glimlag opstaan
En saam kaalvoet in die reën kan hardloop
Vandag wil ek jou onvoorwaardelike vriendskap so intents beleef
Want ek weet dit hang nie af van hoeveel keer ek kerkoe gaan
Of dronkraak in die square nie
Maar net van jou en my
Vandag wil in my spore omdraai
En terughardloop na gister
Waar ons nog net kinders was
En al die seerkry
Net toneelspel
Vandag wil ek lank met jou gesels
Oor diep dinge
En dan lag tot almal vir ons kyk
Vandag wil sommer net sit en weet
Dat jy daar is
~2005
Eenvoud
Dis amper asof jy
‘n deel van my stadig
stukkie vir stukkie
oopdraai
en amper asof ek nie eers omgee nie
en dit waarvoor ek bang was
met elke woord van jou
stadig verdwyn
en jy maak my rustig
sonder om hard te probeer
en sonder moeite
maak jou binnekant my kalm
en ek word hartseer oor jou
net oor ek gewoond is aan hartseer wees
en jys vir my soos
eerlikheid moet wees
en vrede moet voel
en ek besef nou eers dat ek nog altyd van eenvoud gehou het
al het ek agter drama aangehardloop
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
My mind is in a weird place to bear with me or don't read on:
I think basically that nothing is real except for our perception of it. Not even life or, according to God, time, is real. It's all just a figment of our...bodies/minds?
How we perceive life/situations/people is all that counts. And what we do with those perceptions is all that counts in eternity. So maybe then actually only what we do counts. And what we do is influenced by how we perceive something.
So say my friend sees me with another guy, who is not my boyfriend. She goes and tells my boyfriend. He then reacts according to how he perceives our relationship. He can, either, know we are in a strong, accountable, stable relationship and knows that he trusts me and not even be bothered about it. Or he can worry because he is insecure in the relationship or because of past hurts. He can even talk to me about it, and see my explanation (it's an old friend) as a lie. He then becomes paranoid every time I go out and starts being possessive or he can distance himself trying to get "back" at me or trying to not get hurt himself. Or he can choose to believe that I am cheating on him and leave me/shout at me ect.
How he perceived the situation is the dialogue that goes on in his head. It's that dialogue that convinces us on the "real"ness of a situation. That is why we need to be acutely aware of the dialogue in our head. Of our thoughts. Same situation counts for someone who walks past a group of people who burst out laughing. In actual fact the one has just told a joke, but the person convinces herself they are laughing at her. So she gets negative reinforcement that "yes, they are laughing at me" and then acts in an insecure manner, which makes it even harder for people to relate to her, pushing her more away and reinforcing the negative cycle.
I'm just thinking aloud so stop if you get confused.
So here's a thought: how about we convince ourselves of positive things? So... even if they are laughing at you, if you convince yourself they aren't, you won't be shy around them, build a relationship with them, get positive reinforcement ect. Or in the relationship example. Say the girl is not cheating on the guy. He is throwing away a perfectly good relationship due to negative perceptions. And the more he is confident and secure in himself, it will show in his relationship, making the girl like him even more, turning it into a reality. I've left steps out and used simplified examples, but this is true.
It has been shown repeatedly in psychology that your expectation of treatment to work (whether pharmacological or therapeutic) is a strong determining factor in the success thereof. In other words, placebo effect. If you expect a certain outcome you are likely to receive that outcome.
Anyway. That's me so far on the subject. Thinking about it a lot however.
I think basically that nothing is real except for our perception of it. Not even life or, according to God, time, is real. It's all just a figment of our...bodies/minds?
How we perceive life/situations/people is all that counts. And what we do with those perceptions is all that counts in eternity. So maybe then actually only what we do counts. And what we do is influenced by how we perceive something.
So say my friend sees me with another guy, who is not my boyfriend. She goes and tells my boyfriend. He then reacts according to how he perceives our relationship. He can, either, know we are in a strong, accountable, stable relationship and knows that he trusts me and not even be bothered about it. Or he can worry because he is insecure in the relationship or because of past hurts. He can even talk to me about it, and see my explanation (it's an old friend) as a lie. He then becomes paranoid every time I go out and starts being possessive or he can distance himself trying to get "back" at me or trying to not get hurt himself. Or he can choose to believe that I am cheating on him and leave me/shout at me ect.
How he perceived the situation is the dialogue that goes on in his head. It's that dialogue that convinces us on the "real"ness of a situation. That is why we need to be acutely aware of the dialogue in our head. Of our thoughts. Same situation counts for someone who walks past a group of people who burst out laughing. In actual fact the one has just told a joke, but the person convinces herself they are laughing at her. So she gets negative reinforcement that "yes, they are laughing at me" and then acts in an insecure manner, which makes it even harder for people to relate to her, pushing her more away and reinforcing the negative cycle.
I'm just thinking aloud so stop if you get confused.
So here's a thought: how about we convince ourselves of positive things? So... even if they are laughing at you, if you convince yourself they aren't, you won't be shy around them, build a relationship with them, get positive reinforcement ect. Or in the relationship example. Say the girl is not cheating on the guy. He is throwing away a perfectly good relationship due to negative perceptions. And the more he is confident and secure in himself, it will show in his relationship, making the girl like him even more, turning it into a reality. I've left steps out and used simplified examples, but this is true.
It has been shown repeatedly in psychology that your expectation of treatment to work (whether pharmacological or therapeutic) is a strong determining factor in the success thereof. In other words, placebo effect. If you expect a certain outcome you are likely to receive that outcome.
Anyway. That's me so far on the subject. Thinking about it a lot however.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Judging
Okay so this will be a short blog. Just a thought. Yesterday we were sitting in the lounge waiting for the day to end. Everyone was talking in whatever language again and I was irritated at their lack of manners and communication skills. When I looked up and saw the physiotherapy assistant's eyes. So quick background: She is such a bitch. I'm sorry but she is most of the time. She acts like she rules the department, spies for our boss, constantly checks up on us and gossips behind our backs. She never does anything nice for us and if she does she wants compensation.
So I don't like her. But that day I saw a sadness in her eyes. And I realised. I am a 23 year old girl, I am making more money than she ever will, I am more educated than she'll ever be. I can walk out of that place in a few months and not look back. I have more than she will ever have. This is her place. This is what is known and comfortable to her. This is the only place she matters. Here, she has experience. She knows things. She is the boss. In the "real" world she is nothing. She would be dismissed as nothing more than a simple assistant who gets in the way.
And this doesn't excuse the way she is to us. But her behaviour doesn't excuse mine towards her. It doesn't give me the right to judge.
So I don't like her. But that day I saw a sadness in her eyes. And I realised. I am a 23 year old girl, I am making more money than she ever will, I am more educated than she'll ever be. I can walk out of that place in a few months and not look back. I have more than she will ever have. This is her place. This is what is known and comfortable to her. This is the only place she matters. Here, she has experience. She knows things. She is the boss. In the "real" world she is nothing. She would be dismissed as nothing more than a simple assistant who gets in the way.
And this doesn't excuse the way she is to us. But her behaviour doesn't excuse mine towards her. It doesn't give me the right to judge.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Hope
So, today I went to see a disabled patient of mine. He is a
quadraplegic and he recently tried to commit suicide. Funny thing
is, only a few days ago my collegue saw him at his house in the
community smiling and all that.
Talking to him today was...different. There is a sadness behind
his eyes, but somehow he is hopeful, but yet dissapointed in himself.
He said he cannot believe he tried to take the easy way out and that
he thought he was stronger than that. He also said that it felt good,
for a while, not feeling anything, being gone for a while, leaving
earth. He also said he wished he had someone to talk to.
We need to be His hand and His feet. The world sucks. More than ever
I realised it. The devil is winning, for now. We need to be God for
other people. When someone needs a hand, I need to be it for him
and at another time when I need feet someone will be my feet, or my eyes,
or whatever they expect me to be.
I'm so sad for the guy. But I'm hopeful that I can mean something
to him. Someone has to. And you need to mean something to someone.
We can sit around and bitch and moan. Or we can just hold hands
and believe that we will one day be in heaven, making earth
as bearable as possible for now. Our hope if in God and in heaven,
not in the sadness of today.
quadraplegic and he recently tried to commit suicide. Funny thing
is, only a few days ago my collegue saw him at his house in the
community smiling and all that.
Talking to him today was...different. There is a sadness behind
his eyes, but somehow he is hopeful, but yet dissapointed in himself.
He said he cannot believe he tried to take the easy way out and that
he thought he was stronger than that. He also said that it felt good,
for a while, not feeling anything, being gone for a while, leaving
earth. He also said he wished he had someone to talk to.
We need to be His hand and His feet. The world sucks. More than ever
I realised it. The devil is winning, for now. We need to be God for
other people. When someone needs a hand, I need to be it for him
and at another time when I need feet someone will be my feet, or my eyes,
or whatever they expect me to be.
I'm so sad for the guy. But I'm hopeful that I can mean something
to him. Someone has to. And you need to mean something to someone.
We can sit around and bitch and moan. Or we can just hold hands
and believe that we will one day be in heaven, making earth
as bearable as possible for now. Our hope if in God and in heaven,
not in the sadness of today.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Okay, I’ve been really bummed out the past day…week…month even maybe. And I don’t have any particular reason to be. Which makes me realize the importance of stimulation, loving what you do and having friends. Anyway, so I’m trying something new. Here goes…
Good, nice and positive things about my life and my work at the moment:
- Being the only white person in the hospital (most of the time) provides my co-workers with the once in a lifetime opportunity to play “where’s wally” adapted into “where’s the white girl” at any time they please
- Constantly being in conversations I don’t understand gives me a chance to exercise my creative side and make up what I think they’re talking about
- Being alone almost every night gives me time to think and to write and keep everyone entertained with my blog, he he
- Being single gives me that chance to scope out hot guys and practise my flirting skills guilt-free
- I’m getting to know my computer very well
- I get time to read
Okay this is pretty dumb. In a good way of course J
So let’s tell a funny story about my day today:
We were out in the community in the middle of (insert word here) and nowhere and the optometrist was still busy with patients so the psychometrist (dude that does IQ tests) went off to a “shop”. When we were done we picked him up at the shop. Turns out it’s a shabeen and he was on his 4th beer (in working hours). Not giving a shit he climbs into the government car with an unfinished black label and red eyes. A few metres down the line we get stopped by traffic cops (which we never do because they don’t usually stop government cars.) In the end the police just checked the vehicle and didn’t spot the alcohol. I gotta say, I don’t know if the guy is just ignorant and dumb or a really good actor. Just another day in the public health service…joy.
Oh, and I realise my blogs are a bit dark these days. They will get happier again. And hopefully funnier. But if you don't like it, stop reading. I'm blogging for myself more than anything else.
Good, nice and positive things about my life and my work at the moment:
- Being the only white person in the hospital (most of the time) provides my co-workers with the once in a lifetime opportunity to play “where’s wally” adapted into “where’s the white girl” at any time they please
- Constantly being in conversations I don’t understand gives me a chance to exercise my creative side and make up what I think they’re talking about
- Being alone almost every night gives me time to think and to write and keep everyone entertained with my blog, he he
- Being single gives me that chance to scope out hot guys and practise my flirting skills guilt-free
- I’m getting to know my computer very well
- I get time to read
Okay this is pretty dumb. In a good way of course J
So let’s tell a funny story about my day today:
We were out in the community in the middle of (insert word here) and nowhere and the optometrist was still busy with patients so the psychometrist (dude that does IQ tests) went off to a “shop”. When we were done we picked him up at the shop. Turns out it’s a shabeen and he was on his 4th beer (in working hours). Not giving a shit he climbs into the government car with an unfinished black label and red eyes. A few metres down the line we get stopped by traffic cops (which we never do because they don’t usually stop government cars.) In the end the police just checked the vehicle and didn’t spot the alcohol. I gotta say, I don’t know if the guy is just ignorant and dumb or a really good actor. Just another day in the public health service…joy.
Oh, and I realise my blogs are a bit dark these days. They will get happier again. And hopefully funnier. But if you don't like it, stop reading. I'm blogging for myself more than anything else.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Tired of shit
Today was a tough day. It was one of those days that just started and it felt like 5 minutes till it ended, but at the same time you had to struggle to get through each moment.
I’m tired of looking patients in the eye and telling them we have no wheelchairs and we don’t know when we will have. I’m tired of struggling to fix problems which should take 15 minutes in a normal hospital but takes half an hour in mine because there is no equipment, the equipment that there is, is broken, and the equipment that works no one knows how to operate and if there is someone you have to spend half a morning begging them to take a break from “tea time” and come and help you. I’m tired of referring patients to social workers, physiotherapists, audiologists and what have you, knowing that they will either not be seen or just be glanced at. I’m tired of struggling against a system that’s given up.
Somehow I understand why people are so demotivated and just don’t work. If your boss is sneaking off early through the wards so no one will se her, sitting in the kitchen having tea the whole time and gossiping about her sex life it’s hard to be motivated to work. If money is cut from every department and every piece of equipment you need but people get to go on R16 000 courses in the cape, but no one wants to pay your housing allowance, you struggle to want to give something back. If I were working for the state, the hospital, my boss or whatever I’d give up as well. I have to remind myself constantly that I’m working for God. It’s so hard to be his hands and feet when none of the other body parts are working. To sit in a kitchen celebrating someone’s birthday with almost 15 other people and only one of them bothering to speak English so you can be included in the coversation. To fight the same fight again and again. To hit your head against the same wall again and again. And I’m not even particularly fond of occupational therapy in the first place.
Today I’m just tired of running around fixing everyone’s crap and doing everyone’s dirty work while I don’t even get to do my own work well because it’s simply impossible to get anything done in that horrible hospital! I’m tired of bosses looking the other way and people in places of authority not doing their work and taking responsibility for what they signed up for. It’s not fair that, just because they don’t have money, people should get sub-standards service and die of curable diseases! People shouldn’t be treated that way just because they’re sick and they don’t know that they’re entitled to better. And I simply hate that there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m tired of looking patients in the eye and telling them we have no wheelchairs and we don’t know when we will have. I’m tired of struggling to fix problems which should take 15 minutes in a normal hospital but takes half an hour in mine because there is no equipment, the equipment that there is, is broken, and the equipment that works no one knows how to operate and if there is someone you have to spend half a morning begging them to take a break from “tea time” and come and help you. I’m tired of referring patients to social workers, physiotherapists, audiologists and what have you, knowing that they will either not be seen or just be glanced at. I’m tired of struggling against a system that’s given up.
Somehow I understand why people are so demotivated and just don’t work. If your boss is sneaking off early through the wards so no one will se her, sitting in the kitchen having tea the whole time and gossiping about her sex life it’s hard to be motivated to work. If money is cut from every department and every piece of equipment you need but people get to go on R16 000 courses in the cape, but no one wants to pay your housing allowance, you struggle to want to give something back. If I were working for the state, the hospital, my boss or whatever I’d give up as well. I have to remind myself constantly that I’m working for God. It’s so hard to be his hands and feet when none of the other body parts are working. To sit in a kitchen celebrating someone’s birthday with almost 15 other people and only one of them bothering to speak English so you can be included in the coversation. To fight the same fight again and again. To hit your head against the same wall again and again. And I’m not even particularly fond of occupational therapy in the first place.
Today I’m just tired of running around fixing everyone’s crap and doing everyone’s dirty work while I don’t even get to do my own work well because it’s simply impossible to get anything done in that horrible hospital! I’m tired of bosses looking the other way and people in places of authority not doing their work and taking responsibility for what they signed up for. It’s not fair that, just because they don’t have money, people should get sub-standards service and die of curable diseases! People shouldn’t be treated that way just because they’re sick and they don’t know that they’re entitled to better. And I simply hate that there’s nothing I can do about it.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Moz 3
So I’m not in the mood to write the entire account of the rest of my trip to Mozambique. Let’s just say it was fun. Spent days on the beach or reading in a cute little coffee shop, trying to avoid skin cancer. One afternoon we ate at this local restaurant where we had portugese chicken. All the meals had the same price and, no matter what you wanted, if you told them, they would get it for you the next day. Prawns, chicken, calamari, fish, all the same price… This once girl asked for bread with her chicken instead of rice. We saw the waiter going out to the market and returning a little later with a loaf on a plate. One girl asked for only a salad, which turned out to be tomato slices with onion slices on a normal sized plate. When it came to eating utensils each person got a fork and only one knife between the seven of us. Apparently the restaurant only had one knife. It was sweet and an entirely new cultural experience. Was the yummiest rice ever.
So I’ll type if I remember other particular occasions. Other than that it was an awesome trip. I have to commend the girls I went with. They turned out to be the most real, friendly and open people I have ever met. Christians to the core. I started thinking about Christianity and how we differ from the world. And I just realize, as the Bible states, it’s our actions that count. You can go to church 5 times a week and pray 4 hours every night, if your actions don’t differ from the world, it makes no difference. People need to see that we are different. In the way we work, in our relationships, in how we handle conflict, how we handle people, how we handle difficult situations. These are all the things that make us different and set us apart from the world. If no one can tell you’re different then it doesn’t matter what you do in your quiet time. And these girls were different. You could see it. They were different from the world, but inviting and non-judgemental. Willing to learn, make friends, and get to know and spend time with anyone we met on the trip, but maintaining their standards. I sometimes think the way we make people feel through our actions and more important than anything else. If they remember you, if they think of you, do they think of God? Do they remember God? Do they see God?
So I’ll type if I remember other particular occasions. Other than that it was an awesome trip. I have to commend the girls I went with. They turned out to be the most real, friendly and open people I have ever met. Christians to the core. I started thinking about Christianity and how we differ from the world. And I just realize, as the Bible states, it’s our actions that count. You can go to church 5 times a week and pray 4 hours every night, if your actions don’t differ from the world, it makes no difference. People need to see that we are different. In the way we work, in our relationships, in how we handle conflict, how we handle people, how we handle difficult situations. These are all the things that make us different and set us apart from the world. If no one can tell you’re different then it doesn’t matter what you do in your quiet time. And these girls were different. You could see it. They were different from the world, but inviting and non-judgemental. Willing to learn, make friends, and get to know and spend time with anyone we met on the trip, but maintaining their standards. I sometimes think the way we make people feel through our actions and more important than anything else. If they remember you, if they think of you, do they think of God? Do they remember God? Do they see God?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Moz 2
Just a quick thought before I continue on Mozambique:
Reasons why I hate small towns
- The closest Spar with coconut milk is 40km from my house
- When you go to a bank to try and open a savings account all your enquiries are met with a blank stare and rapid confused typing on the computer followed by the person turning around and finding her superior
- There are no banks in my town so the bank is the same distance from me as coconut milk
Reasons why I like small towns
- No traffic so driving to the spar/bank takes half the time
- Cars flash you when there are traffic cops and you get to thank trucks for making space for you about 5 times a day by switching on your hazards when you pass. I like doing this. Especially when they flash back.
- After sorting out the not-so-hard questions a guy with golden teeth and tattoos keep you entertained by telling you his life story and listening to yours while you open the account
Mozambique part 2
The next day we were off to Tofo. Miracle beyond miracles we left 15 minutes early. About an hour into the drive the car behind us unexpectedly stopped. We (in fear of the police) did not do a U turn and stopped a few metres ahead. We then waited about 20 minutes while they went to the bathroom and into the store (did we not do this before we left) Anyway so we drove some more and stopped halfway for some lunch by the side of the road. True rural style we plopped onto the ground under a tree and had some sandwiches. We then drove to Tofo. I slept almost all the way. It took about 8 hours as there were MANY potholes and you have to slow down to 60 in every town and the signs don’t indicate when the 80 and 100 zones start again so you have to guess. In this way we once thought a town had stopped when it hadn’t so we were driving too fast and lo and behold got stopped by the traffic police. Again. Same car as the previous night. He gave us a fine of 1000 meticash but tried to bribe us by saying he’d bring it down to 200. We decided it wasn’t right and gave him the 100 meticash and asked for a receipt. Joy. At least we slept fine that night.
Getting there the place was s beautiful. We booked in and realized the huts we were staying in were tiny huts with a metre high wall and a grass roof with two matrasses on the ground of each hut and a mosquito net. It was perfect actually as we didn’t plan to spend much time inside.
That night we had dinner at the bar/restaurant at the place where we were staying (bamboozi lodge) and realized that no one in Tofo (the town) gave change. You either had to give correct change, give a large tip, or be happy with a little paper stating how much credit you had at the bar. We also realized very soon that neither peaceful sleep nor tabart keeps away mosquitos. We had so many mosquito bites we looked like lepers and only one girl had drunk malaria pills. Oh well. At least I know.
The next day 4 of the girls went diving and three of us just hung around. We went exploring to the little market, looking at fish for the night and everything else available. We then stumbled upon Tipo Tinto. Without anyone’s guidance we decided to buy this Mozambican rum. Apparently it’s famous for keeping away mosquitos. Didn’t help for us, but it did help to make new friends. We and our new rum sat around the table at the campsite and made friends with two girls who are traveling for a year around the world. We met because we needed a bottle opener at 11 in the morning. It became the running joke of the week, us drinking rum so early in the morning. A bunch of friendly Christian girls. Goes to show how free we can be in God.
Anyway, the girls were so interesting. Their names were Farrah and Zahra. They’ve been traveling since the beginning of the year, they’ve been in Egypt, Malawi, Zanzibar, Zamibie, Mozambique and Zambie. Now Moz, SA and Swaziland. Their travels sounded so exciting and they had a story for every country. After Africa they’re going to South America then North America then Europe. I’m so jealous and think I’ll plan something like this for 2010.
That night we decided to explore one of the many beach bars. I had a local beer (interesting) and coffee (was dying for some) We then tried to find some dancing but everything was pretty much quiet. Two local Mozambicans decided to be our tour guides for the night and it was quite a mission to eventually go to sleep without them being too upset that we weren’t keen on partying till late.
That’s it for today…. Till tomorrow…
Reasons why I hate small towns
- The closest Spar with coconut milk is 40km from my house
- When you go to a bank to try and open a savings account all your enquiries are met with a blank stare and rapid confused typing on the computer followed by the person turning around and finding her superior
- There are no banks in my town so the bank is the same distance from me as coconut milk
Reasons why I like small towns
- No traffic so driving to the spar/bank takes half the time
- Cars flash you when there are traffic cops and you get to thank trucks for making space for you about 5 times a day by switching on your hazards when you pass. I like doing this. Especially when they flash back.
- After sorting out the not-so-hard questions a guy with golden teeth and tattoos keep you entertained by telling you his life story and listening to yours while you open the account
Mozambique part 2
The next day we were off to Tofo. Miracle beyond miracles we left 15 minutes early. About an hour into the drive the car behind us unexpectedly stopped. We (in fear of the police) did not do a U turn and stopped a few metres ahead. We then waited about 20 minutes while they went to the bathroom and into the store (did we not do this before we left) Anyway so we drove some more and stopped halfway for some lunch by the side of the road. True rural style we plopped onto the ground under a tree and had some sandwiches. We then drove to Tofo. I slept almost all the way. It took about 8 hours as there were MANY potholes and you have to slow down to 60 in every town and the signs don’t indicate when the 80 and 100 zones start again so you have to guess. In this way we once thought a town had stopped when it hadn’t so we were driving too fast and lo and behold got stopped by the traffic police. Again. Same car as the previous night. He gave us a fine of 1000 meticash but tried to bribe us by saying he’d bring it down to 200. We decided it wasn’t right and gave him the 100 meticash and asked for a receipt. Joy. At least we slept fine that night.
Getting there the place was s beautiful. We booked in and realized the huts we were staying in were tiny huts with a metre high wall and a grass roof with two matrasses on the ground of each hut and a mosquito net. It was perfect actually as we didn’t plan to spend much time inside.
That night we had dinner at the bar/restaurant at the place where we were staying (bamboozi lodge) and realized that no one in Tofo (the town) gave change. You either had to give correct change, give a large tip, or be happy with a little paper stating how much credit you had at the bar. We also realized very soon that neither peaceful sleep nor tabart keeps away mosquitos. We had so many mosquito bites we looked like lepers and only one girl had drunk malaria pills. Oh well. At least I know.
The next day 4 of the girls went diving and three of us just hung around. We went exploring to the little market, looking at fish for the night and everything else available. We then stumbled upon Tipo Tinto. Without anyone’s guidance we decided to buy this Mozambican rum. Apparently it’s famous for keeping away mosquitos. Didn’t help for us, but it did help to make new friends. We and our new rum sat around the table at the campsite and made friends with two girls who are traveling for a year around the world. We met because we needed a bottle opener at 11 in the morning. It became the running joke of the week, us drinking rum so early in the morning. A bunch of friendly Christian girls. Goes to show how free we can be in God.
Anyway, the girls were so interesting. Their names were Farrah and Zahra. They’ve been traveling since the beginning of the year, they’ve been in Egypt, Malawi, Zanzibar, Zamibie, Mozambique and Zambie. Now Moz, SA and Swaziland. Their travels sounded so exciting and they had a story for every country. After Africa they’re going to South America then North America then Europe. I’m so jealous and think I’ll plan something like this for 2010.
That night we decided to explore one of the many beach bars. I had a local beer (interesting) and coffee (was dying for some) We then tried to find some dancing but everything was pretty much quiet. Two local Mozambicans decided to be our tour guides for the night and it was quite a mission to eventually go to sleep without them being too upset that we weren’t keen on partying till late.
That’s it for today…. Till tomorrow…
Monday, May 4, 2009
Moz part1
Okay, for those who don’t know me (or didn’t know this about me) I’m not a girl-person. I usually don’t like girls. I especially don’t like groups of girls. So when I was on my way to Tonga (near Komatiepoort) to meet the rest of the girls who I’m going to spend a week in Mozambique with only one thing went through my mind: “What the hell were you thinking?” and shortly after that “You can still go home!” When I left work I thought about driving to Pretoria and spend my weekend there. Then I passed Nelspruit thinking that I can still take the N4. When I was almost in Tonga I still thought about driving back to Nelspruit, spending the night there and then going home. Oh, did I mention I also don’t like new people as well as being out of my comfort zone. I don’t.
When I got there I was met by some very nice girls. They were so sweet and very willing to get to know me and chat to me. But they were VERY girly. They giggled and hugged me for a very long time and every time a new girl arrived they would giggle and hug again. I don’t like giggling and hugging. Or new people. So, at about 9 o clock that night (after we decided to leave at 5 the next morning) they started packing food. At about 10 they decided to finally pack clothing. The entire process took almost an hour. One girl spread her entire cupboard on the floor and contemplated carefully which pieces to take and leave. This differs vastly from myself, throwing in jeans, short and T-shirts at random, adding my favourite items until the suitcase is overloaded as usual, then throwing a few things out, still needing to sit on it before it closes. I was also finished packing by 8 the previous night. Then it was decided (at 11:30 that night) that we need to go and make copies of our passports at the local police station. Jip. It was suddenly a priority. Getting there the policeman informed us of the fact that the office with the copying machine was in fact, locked. Until 8 the next morning. We wanted to leave at 5. After about half an hour’s conversation with the policeman ranging from criminals and guns to him eventually asking the one girl’s number, we finally left, deciding it was no longer a priority to get copies of our passports. So, finally, at almost midnight, we started packing the car. Two of the girls had decided that we needed no less than 8 5litre bottles of water. No suitcases had been packed yet. No food. No sleeping bags. The entire bottom of the boot was filled with bottled water. (At this point I swore that I was never going on holiday with girls again.) It made sense to them that you need to place it at the bottom since we can pack stuff on top of it. (I imagined for a second 8 bottles of water leaking at the same time due to the sheer weight of 3 suitcases on top) Eventually me and another girl started packing. Half an hour later half of the food was still standing outside and the middle of the backseat had a tower of luggage so tall the passengers would barely be able to see each other. At that point I decided to go to bed.
I now know why guys are important. Despite all the drama and pain the cause, they keep a certain level of normality in our lives. Things such as packing reasonably and not excessively (I’m guilty of not being able to pack concisely), leaving on time, planning practical aspects and being able to read a map are only a few of the loads of advantages of taking guys on trips. Plus they don’t giggle. (Just kidding, I giggle as well. New girls giggling just intimidate me)
So we left just after 5 for the border. In komatiepoort we stopper for petrol. It took about two hours since we needed third party insurance, two triangles (WTF??) and to change money. And coffee. To all of our surprise we could get 3 meticash (Mozambican currency) for ever R1. Which was a pretty awesome deal and made most of us instantly rich. I felt like a drug dealer, except less dodgy. There’s this big Mozambican “mama” with a handbag full of notes who stands at the middle of the garage (she apparently sleeps by the side of the road incase someone needs her) and trades your money for you. We decided that she must be a member of an important family like the gangster mafia, because if I were a thief she would be my first target.
From there we reached the border at about 9. To my huge surprise there was no que. It was an amazing feeling, walking through, getting your passport stamped. And knowing I was now on holiday. Mozambique, being the strange country that it is, has decided that the main role of the traffic police is to exploit unsuspecting (or suspecting, they aren’t picky) tourists in their country by dishing out random traffic fines and having you pay on the spot and trying to bribe you by making the fine a little less, but then you don’t receive a receipt.
My biggest moment of “I am NEVER going on holiday without a MAN again” was when we entered Maputo. After playing goldfish loudly and dancing in the car, we entered a web of traffic like nothing before. Now, I’m a firm believer that guys drive better than girls. It’s a simple fact. They decide on a course of action on the road and take it. Girls look at all the cars around her, become emotional, become scared, looks around at her options, thinks about them again, and as soon as the gap no longer exists, takes it, causing confusion to every car around her and making all the passengers an instant believer. Now the girls driving didn’t drive badly at all. I just feel safe with guys. They know how to drive. We don’t. It’s a fact of life. So, while we’re all trying to help this girl get safely through the traffic we realize we need to search for Maputo backpackers, where we are staying the night. Just to recap: none of us have ever been in Maputo, we have no number for the backpackers, we have no map, only what we think is an address. The one girl’s response “Oh, we’ll just drive around until we find it.” As if it’s not a city with more cars squeezed into one lane than sardines into a can. It’s like driving into Pretoria saying, “ah, we’ll find the (insert random name here)” Oh, plus, no one speaks English. In our broken portugese consisting of “Ola” and “Nao comprendo Portuguese” we try and ask if anyone knows where the backpackers is. Later we try asking if anyone knows where the beach is. Our sign language attempt at communicating looks like we’re doing the funky chicken on a 70’s classic.
So finally we stop at a pizza place. While two girls stay in the car being harassed by street venders, two of us jump out to ask. Thank goodness we find someone who speaks English. He seems to know the place and directs us there, which didn’t sound to hard. But don’t be fooled. An hour and a few close encounters with people in the road later we decide to ask for help again. This time we get different directions. We follow these and finally found the beach. A long strip of street and ocean that one can walk into for meters and still only be ankle deep. It was beautiful. Finally the one girl makes a (much too abrupt for me) left turn as she sees a sign “Maputo backpackers” We finally made it!
After settling in and a quick nap we set off exploring. We walk around and find a man who cuts a coconut in half for us for 5 meticash and gives us a straw to drink the juice from. Bad idea. Those island movies are simply a lie. Coconut juice has this horribly sour smell and no resemblance to the cocktails served in them on these movies. Anyway, we then decide to go out. By now I’ve gotten to know the girls more and they are actually very nice. There are 3 english speaking girls and 4 afrikaans (including me) The English speaking girls are the ones who take their time and don’t plan things, just randomly do what they feel like, and the Afrikaans people are structured and plan things, always being on time. This would set the scene for a few more almost-confrontations.
We then went out for dinner and after searching for the place we were that afternoon for directions for another half an hour we finally found parking. Having lost the other car somewhere we went inside. After about an hour we realized they were still not there. They then enter with the one girl in tears. Turns out the traffic police had decided that if you go one direction, turn right and right again to get to a parking qualifies as doing an illegal U turn. This is also punishable by a night in jail if you don’t dock up 300 meticash immediately. The sheer arrogance and insensitivity of this guy and their absolute exploitation of the law and of tourists makes me so mad I could scream. But they could do nothing, so they paid. We then had lovely pizza and red wine and then went back to the car. One of the funniest moments of the trip then commenced: as we neared the one car we saw that the car guard was doing his utter best to make sure no one stole the car. He was asleep on his back on the bonnet of the car. I laughed so hard I nearly cried.
After a good 15 minutes of cracking up we headed to the backpackers and finally day one came to an end.
To be continued…
When I got there I was met by some very nice girls. They were so sweet and very willing to get to know me and chat to me. But they were VERY girly. They giggled and hugged me for a very long time and every time a new girl arrived they would giggle and hug again. I don’t like giggling and hugging. Or new people. So, at about 9 o clock that night (after we decided to leave at 5 the next morning) they started packing food. At about 10 they decided to finally pack clothing. The entire process took almost an hour. One girl spread her entire cupboard on the floor and contemplated carefully which pieces to take and leave. This differs vastly from myself, throwing in jeans, short and T-shirts at random, adding my favourite items until the suitcase is overloaded as usual, then throwing a few things out, still needing to sit on it before it closes. I was also finished packing by 8 the previous night. Then it was decided (at 11:30 that night) that we need to go and make copies of our passports at the local police station. Jip. It was suddenly a priority. Getting there the policeman informed us of the fact that the office with the copying machine was in fact, locked. Until 8 the next morning. We wanted to leave at 5. After about half an hour’s conversation with the policeman ranging from criminals and guns to him eventually asking the one girl’s number, we finally left, deciding it was no longer a priority to get copies of our passports. So, finally, at almost midnight, we started packing the car. Two of the girls had decided that we needed no less than 8 5litre bottles of water. No suitcases had been packed yet. No food. No sleeping bags. The entire bottom of the boot was filled with bottled water. (At this point I swore that I was never going on holiday with girls again.) It made sense to them that you need to place it at the bottom since we can pack stuff on top of it. (I imagined for a second 8 bottles of water leaking at the same time due to the sheer weight of 3 suitcases on top) Eventually me and another girl started packing. Half an hour later half of the food was still standing outside and the middle of the backseat had a tower of luggage so tall the passengers would barely be able to see each other. At that point I decided to go to bed.
I now know why guys are important. Despite all the drama and pain the cause, they keep a certain level of normality in our lives. Things such as packing reasonably and not excessively (I’m guilty of not being able to pack concisely), leaving on time, planning practical aspects and being able to read a map are only a few of the loads of advantages of taking guys on trips. Plus they don’t giggle. (Just kidding, I giggle as well. New girls giggling just intimidate me)
So we left just after 5 for the border. In komatiepoort we stopper for petrol. It took about two hours since we needed third party insurance, two triangles (WTF??) and to change money. And coffee. To all of our surprise we could get 3 meticash (Mozambican currency) for ever R1. Which was a pretty awesome deal and made most of us instantly rich. I felt like a drug dealer, except less dodgy. There’s this big Mozambican “mama” with a handbag full of notes who stands at the middle of the garage (she apparently sleeps by the side of the road incase someone needs her) and trades your money for you. We decided that she must be a member of an important family like the gangster mafia, because if I were a thief she would be my first target.
From there we reached the border at about 9. To my huge surprise there was no que. It was an amazing feeling, walking through, getting your passport stamped. And knowing I was now on holiday. Mozambique, being the strange country that it is, has decided that the main role of the traffic police is to exploit unsuspecting (or suspecting, they aren’t picky) tourists in their country by dishing out random traffic fines and having you pay on the spot and trying to bribe you by making the fine a little less, but then you don’t receive a receipt.
My biggest moment of “I am NEVER going on holiday without a MAN again” was when we entered Maputo. After playing goldfish loudly and dancing in the car, we entered a web of traffic like nothing before. Now, I’m a firm believer that guys drive better than girls. It’s a simple fact. They decide on a course of action on the road and take it. Girls look at all the cars around her, become emotional, become scared, looks around at her options, thinks about them again, and as soon as the gap no longer exists, takes it, causing confusion to every car around her and making all the passengers an instant believer. Now the girls driving didn’t drive badly at all. I just feel safe with guys. They know how to drive. We don’t. It’s a fact of life. So, while we’re all trying to help this girl get safely through the traffic we realize we need to search for Maputo backpackers, where we are staying the night. Just to recap: none of us have ever been in Maputo, we have no number for the backpackers, we have no map, only what we think is an address. The one girl’s response “Oh, we’ll just drive around until we find it.” As if it’s not a city with more cars squeezed into one lane than sardines into a can. It’s like driving into Pretoria saying, “ah, we’ll find the (insert random name here)” Oh, plus, no one speaks English. In our broken portugese consisting of “Ola” and “Nao comprendo Portuguese” we try and ask if anyone knows where the backpackers is. Later we try asking if anyone knows where the beach is. Our sign language attempt at communicating looks like we’re doing the funky chicken on a 70’s classic.
So finally we stop at a pizza place. While two girls stay in the car being harassed by street venders, two of us jump out to ask. Thank goodness we find someone who speaks English. He seems to know the place and directs us there, which didn’t sound to hard. But don’t be fooled. An hour and a few close encounters with people in the road later we decide to ask for help again. This time we get different directions. We follow these and finally found the beach. A long strip of street and ocean that one can walk into for meters and still only be ankle deep. It was beautiful. Finally the one girl makes a (much too abrupt for me) left turn as she sees a sign “Maputo backpackers” We finally made it!
After settling in and a quick nap we set off exploring. We walk around and find a man who cuts a coconut in half for us for 5 meticash and gives us a straw to drink the juice from. Bad idea. Those island movies are simply a lie. Coconut juice has this horribly sour smell and no resemblance to the cocktails served in them on these movies. Anyway, we then decide to go out. By now I’ve gotten to know the girls more and they are actually very nice. There are 3 english speaking girls and 4 afrikaans (including me) The English speaking girls are the ones who take their time and don’t plan things, just randomly do what they feel like, and the Afrikaans people are structured and plan things, always being on time. This would set the scene for a few more almost-confrontations.
We then went out for dinner and after searching for the place we were that afternoon for directions for another half an hour we finally found parking. Having lost the other car somewhere we went inside. After about an hour we realized they were still not there. They then enter with the one girl in tears. Turns out the traffic police had decided that if you go one direction, turn right and right again to get to a parking qualifies as doing an illegal U turn. This is also punishable by a night in jail if you don’t dock up 300 meticash immediately. The sheer arrogance and insensitivity of this guy and their absolute exploitation of the law and of tourists makes me so mad I could scream. But they could do nothing, so they paid. We then had lovely pizza and red wine and then went back to the car. One of the funniest moments of the trip then commenced: as we neared the one car we saw that the car guard was doing his utter best to make sure no one stole the car. He was asleep on his back on the bonnet of the car. I laughed so hard I nearly cried.
After a good 15 minutes of cracking up we headed to the backpackers and finally day one came to an end.
To be continued…
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Today
Today I was just fed up with everyone doing nothing. Seriously I have never in my life experience professional behaviour like this. My boss sneaking around behind her boss’s back, leaving early for lunch or acting sick to skip a day of work. People looking at files and just writing their names down after 5 minutes with a patient, guessing at assessments. Girls coming to work (THERAPISTS) in high heels and skinny jeans, sitting in the reception the entire day looking pretty and staring at me because I’m actually doing my work. And I was just simply sick of it.
Then the head of department asked me if I wanted to go to church with her in lunch time. Good thing I grew up in a charismatic church otherwise I would’ve been so overwhelmed. I got there and saw head of departments, people from fancy offices, down on their knees praying loudly, moaning to God. Expressing their doubts, fears, crying His name, raising their hands and voices. It was so natural. Nothing weird about it. No one shy. And then the pastor began to sing, and, without words on a board, without a band, people just fall in and sing. At the top of their voices. It was so beautiful. I can’t describe it, how such spontaneity could be so amazingly beautiful.
Then the woman started preaching. I was amazed by her passion. Sometimes she was screaming so hard and powerfully that my ears almost burst (seriously, it was a small space with high resonance) And then she would feel God speak, go on another track and tears would fill her eyes. You can see the Lord through this woman. She said something that rang particularly true to me is the following… while we are busy with God’s business, God is busy with ours. She was talking about, how, even when you’re worried about paying your child’s school fees, pay someone else’s. If you don’t have time for yourself, spend time with a sick child. Get busy with God’s business. We are His hands and feet. People see what’s going on in the world and ask “Where is God?” and the answer is, God is in us. We are here to do His business. And then, while we’re busy with the business of God, he takes care of our own problems, so we never have to worry. We never have to wonder where the solutions to our problems will come from, because God already knows them.
And this is how God is with me every day. This is how he holds my hand and my heart. This is how he takes care of me. I get to learn about him in tough times. I get to learn that, what is tough for me, would be a priviledge for others. And how to work as if I’m working for Him, not for people. To see what I can do for others. And I’m not even almost where I should be, but I’m learning every day. All the glory to HIM!! When He asks you to do something, he ALWAYS gives you what you need to do it!
Then the head of department asked me if I wanted to go to church with her in lunch time. Good thing I grew up in a charismatic church otherwise I would’ve been so overwhelmed. I got there and saw head of departments, people from fancy offices, down on their knees praying loudly, moaning to God. Expressing their doubts, fears, crying His name, raising their hands and voices. It was so natural. Nothing weird about it. No one shy. And then the pastor began to sing, and, without words on a board, without a band, people just fall in and sing. At the top of their voices. It was so beautiful. I can’t describe it, how such spontaneity could be so amazingly beautiful.
Then the woman started preaching. I was amazed by her passion. Sometimes she was screaming so hard and powerfully that my ears almost burst (seriously, it was a small space with high resonance) And then she would feel God speak, go on another track and tears would fill her eyes. You can see the Lord through this woman. She said something that rang particularly true to me is the following… while we are busy with God’s business, God is busy with ours. She was talking about, how, even when you’re worried about paying your child’s school fees, pay someone else’s. If you don’t have time for yourself, spend time with a sick child. Get busy with God’s business. We are His hands and feet. People see what’s going on in the world and ask “Where is God?” and the answer is, God is in us. We are here to do His business. And then, while we’re busy with the business of God, he takes care of our own problems, so we never have to worry. We never have to wonder where the solutions to our problems will come from, because God already knows them.
And this is how God is with me every day. This is how he holds my hand and my heart. This is how he takes care of me. I get to learn about him in tough times. I get to learn that, what is tough for me, would be a priviledge for others. And how to work as if I’m working for Him, not for people. To see what I can do for others. And I’m not even almost where I should be, but I’m learning every day. All the glory to HIM!! When He asks you to do something, he ALWAYS gives you what you need to do it!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
God is goooooooddd!!
Recently I had to let something go that I really didn’t want to let go. And today I realized the value of it. God’s been telling me for a while that this wasn’t good for me and this was something I just had to let go of. And as soon as I made the decision it was like a new world went open for me. And now I just want to publicly give God credit for this. He knows what’s good for us and what we need to do. Previously when I had to make a decision like this I would think about it for months on end, I would go round and round torturing myself before deciding and finally doing it. And this time I decided it was the best way, consulted some of my God-friends and did it. And now I’m free. God really knows best! Usually we try to make up these complicated answers, but I’ve learned that the simplest answer is usually God’s way. More often that not we know the truth and the right thing, we are just to stubborn/scared to do it. It’s scary, I know. It’s like leaping off a cliff or jumping off a bridge and not knowing if someone will catch you. But God will. And most of the time we know the answer. We know the right thing. We’re just to comfortable/scared to do it.
It’s like the story where the girl saved all her money to buy plastic pearls. Finally she scratched everything she had together and bought them. When she got home her father asked her to give him the pearls. At first she didn’t want to, she had saved her last money to get them! And her father didn’t take them, he just asked. Finally she gave in and gave them to her father. Then her father took them, and replaced them with real pearls. But she had to make the decision to give them up!
If God asks you to give something up it’s not because he sits in heaven trying to think of ways to torture us or make us miserable. He always asks things of us for our own good.
And don’t get me wrong, I’ve become a fan of the “feel good NOW” club. I’d do things that give me compensation now. I’d do things to make me feel good right away, that made me get through the day. But God wants you to get through this life. It might not always be comfortable or easy, but he wants to let you grow. God looks into the future and sees the rewards, where we look at the present or a day or two in advance. God’s answer is never the quickest, easiest way. His answer is long-term. He demands hard work and perseverance and often sacrifice. But the rewards is always eternal.
And you might not see the fruits right now. You might not even see the reason. But if there’s been this nagging, persistent thought at the back of your mind, deal with it now. Don’t put if off another second. Don’t run around repeating the same mistakes. Give it up. Give it to God. He is more worth it than anything this world can offer you!! Please, this took me a long time to learn and I am sure I will make the mistake again. But listen to God. Listen. You know what to do.
Wise words: Advice is what we ask when we know the answer but don’t like it.
It’s like the story where the girl saved all her money to buy plastic pearls. Finally she scratched everything she had together and bought them. When she got home her father asked her to give him the pearls. At first she didn’t want to, she had saved her last money to get them! And her father didn’t take them, he just asked. Finally she gave in and gave them to her father. Then her father took them, and replaced them with real pearls. But she had to make the decision to give them up!
If God asks you to give something up it’s not because he sits in heaven trying to think of ways to torture us or make us miserable. He always asks things of us for our own good.
And don’t get me wrong, I’ve become a fan of the “feel good NOW” club. I’d do things that give me compensation now. I’d do things to make me feel good right away, that made me get through the day. But God wants you to get through this life. It might not always be comfortable or easy, but he wants to let you grow. God looks into the future and sees the rewards, where we look at the present or a day or two in advance. God’s answer is never the quickest, easiest way. His answer is long-term. He demands hard work and perseverance and often sacrifice. But the rewards is always eternal.
And you might not see the fruits right now. You might not even see the reason. But if there’s been this nagging, persistent thought at the back of your mind, deal with it now. Don’t put if off another second. Don’t run around repeating the same mistakes. Give it up. Give it to God. He is more worth it than anything this world can offer you!! Please, this took me a long time to learn and I am sure I will make the mistake again. But listen to God. Listen. You know what to do.
Wise words: Advice is what we ask when we know the answer but don’t like it.
We learn
Today was one of those strange days that I was spent thinking way too much. It was weird, because I spent half of the day feeling entirely inadequate and couldn’t believe that I studied 4 years and still know nothing. I am not one of those people who’ve mastered the art of always looking confident as if they know exactly what they’re doing. When I don’t have an idea what I’m doing, it shows on my face like a blubbering idiot. Even when I know what I’m doing I sometimes look like I don’t know what I’m doing. So I’ve managed to master the art of complete incompetence even if I’m competent. Weird, I know. So then we had some students today. And I realized how little they know. And I know I’ve been there. I specifically remember being there. Actually, I still feel “there”.
But then I see the difference between there and here. And I also see their absolute arrogance and unwillingness to learn. And I realize that there are some things I need to work on both way. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and have confidence in your own abilities. Know that you know. Look like you know. Trust yourself. And sometimes you need to know what you don’t know. Ask for help. Be willing and open to new ideas and correction. Because you will start at the bottom. Most people will know more than you do. It takes time and experience and your first year of working is not the year to expect yourself to be perfect. And even then, you will still look like an idiot sometimes. Deal with it.
But then I see the difference between there and here. And I also see their absolute arrogance and unwillingness to learn. And I realize that there are some things I need to work on both way. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and have confidence in your own abilities. Know that you know. Look like you know. Trust yourself. And sometimes you need to know what you don’t know. Ask for help. Be willing and open to new ideas and correction. Because you will start at the bottom. Most people will know more than you do. It takes time and experience and your first year of working is not the year to expect yourself to be perfect. And even then, you will still look like an idiot sometimes. Deal with it.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tonight I had to let a very dear friend go for very personal reasons. And it hurts so much. And I shouldn't stop to think about what I just did for more than a few seconds. So tonight, you will indulge in my writings, in my heart, in my sadness. Simply because, at this moment, this is all I am
If I should take a second tonight
to stop and think
I would surely lose my mind
If I let the thought of what happened
pass through my mind
only once tonight
I will miss you so much that
I will surely die a thousand deaths
If tonight I should
accidently see your picture
or anything
that vaguely reminds me of you
If I stop
If I breathe
If I take a moment
I wont make it to tomorrow
So tonight
By any means
I will happily take my morphine
Induce my artificial high
and continue in this willfull delusion
I will act like you dont exist
until I forget that you ever did
If I should take a second tonight
to stop and think
I would surely lose my mind
If I let the thought of what happened
pass through my mind
only once tonight
I will miss you so much that
I will surely die a thousand deaths
If tonight I should
accidently see your picture
or anything
that vaguely reminds me of you
If I stop
If I breathe
If I take a moment
I wont make it to tomorrow
So tonight
By any means
I will happily take my morphine
Induce my artificial high
and continue in this willfull delusion
I will act like you dont exist
until I forget that you ever did
Thursday, April 9, 2009
So the other day I walked past a sign painted on a wall that says "Don't drink and walk in the middle of the road. Arive alive" So I can just imagine this drunk person stumbling out of the bar, into the middle of the road. Lucky for him he looks up and, in his drunken stupor, not being able to put two sentences together, he manages to read the sign. He then pulls all the working parts of his brain together and interprets the meaning. Then goes "Oh, let me walk on the sidewalk" and manages to (still in his drunken state) incoordinatedly stumble to the sidewalk and stay there for the rest of his journey home. Lucky him.
You gotta admire the people for trying though.
I've been learning a lot about different cultures. Me and the other community service OT regularly speak about things like, how they would celebrate easter or getting married any paying lobola. Apparantely an unmarried woman without a child and a tertiary degree is worth anything from R40 000. So any takers? I'm sure my dad would be happy with that incentive.
Anyway, despite the differences there are also a lot of familiarities. I'm realising that, no matter how poor, rich, sick or indifferent you are to other people, everyone's insides are basically the same. I got into this patients room the other day. She is 20 years old and she was burned badly on her face, back, hands and legs. She can barely use her hands as the thick scar tissue is preventing her from bending her fingers. And she's ususally all tought and don't-care. But today I got there and her eyes were red. All she wanted was to talk to her mother. So I just sat on her bed and let her cry. Sometimes we need to cry the bad stuff out to make place for the good stuff. And realise that people, in the end, are just people. Same inside as you.
You gotta admire the people for trying though.
I've been learning a lot about different cultures. Me and the other community service OT regularly speak about things like, how they would celebrate easter or getting married any paying lobola. Apparantely an unmarried woman without a child and a tertiary degree is worth anything from R40 000. So any takers? I'm sure my dad would be happy with that incentive.
Anyway, despite the differences there are also a lot of familiarities. I'm realising that, no matter how poor, rich, sick or indifferent you are to other people, everyone's insides are basically the same. I got into this patients room the other day. She is 20 years old and she was burned badly on her face, back, hands and legs. She can barely use her hands as the thick scar tissue is preventing her from bending her fingers. And she's ususally all tought and don't-care. But today I got there and her eyes were red. All she wanted was to talk to her mother. So I just sat on her bed and let her cry. Sometimes we need to cry the bad stuff out to make place for the good stuff. And realise that people, in the end, are just people. Same inside as you.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Happiness
I wonder why we lie to each other. We always say things like "Don't worry, it's going to be okay", "He'll be back and realise his mistake", "She'll get better", "You'll get that job" Most of the time, it's simply not true. We create a false sense of hope only to have it be shattered at a later time. But we have nothing else to say, do we? Because facing the truth, and even harder, talking about it, has become a dying principle. And I speak more about myself even than other people. What do we hope in? Where do we place our faith? Because bad things won't MAYBE happen, they will happen. If it's one thing I learned with my accident- bad things happen. It's more a matter of when and what than if.
So if we cannot place our hope in the fact that things are going to be okay, then what? Maybe, just maybe, we're looking in the wrong place. I learned something valuable these past two weeks. It doesn't have to be going well with us for us to be happy. We don't have to be doing the job we love, being where we'd like to be and having everything go well to be happy. Most of the time it's the struggle that fulfills us. It's in the darkness that we see the light. It's in the hard times that we need God so much, because we have nothing else to hold onto. When things are simply not okay, God is all there is to grab hold of. And getting closer to God is simply what it's all about in the end. Everything else is just a bonus. Relationships with God is happiness. True happiness. True contentment. We can satisfy every desire of our hearts and still die. Or we can be dying and only then learning to live.
So if we cannot place our hope in the fact that things are going to be okay, then what? Maybe, just maybe, we're looking in the wrong place. I learned something valuable these past two weeks. It doesn't have to be going well with us for us to be happy. We don't have to be doing the job we love, being where we'd like to be and having everything go well to be happy. Most of the time it's the struggle that fulfills us. It's in the darkness that we see the light. It's in the hard times that we need God so much, because we have nothing else to hold onto. When things are simply not okay, God is all there is to grab hold of. And getting closer to God is simply what it's all about in the end. Everything else is just a bonus. Relationships with God is happiness. True happiness. True contentment. We can satisfy every desire of our hearts and still die. Or we can be dying and only then learning to live.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Windows to your soul
They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. It's so true. Most of the time a person doesn't have to say anything, but their eyes speak volumes. Or often someone talks and talks and talks but their eyes are empty. Their eyes are dying.
I saw an HIV positive patient the other day. She is a one year old girl whose mother died and no one else wants her so she is staying at the hospital permanently. She doesn't have anyone to love or care for her. I was working with her and talking to her and holding her. She doesn't talk. She doesn't seem to communicate at all. Her eyes have died. It's like the eyes of a 75 year old man on his death bed. She doesn't want to try anymore. It seems that in her short time on earth she has learned that people always leave. Systems fail. Life means nothing. Trying is useless. She just simply sits passively. She doesn't seem to want or expect anything. She's not like other children. She's given up.
I've seen patients die, patients who burned their entire faces, patients whose legs are thinner than my wrist and an entire array of horrible things in this hospital. But this is the only patients whose made me cry so far. Children shouldn't be rendered hopeless. Children should dream and play and hope as if anything is possible. Children shouldn't be alone. Something in our society has failed if we cannot even take care of our children.
I saw an HIV positive patient the other day. She is a one year old girl whose mother died and no one else wants her so she is staying at the hospital permanently. She doesn't have anyone to love or care for her. I was working with her and talking to her and holding her. She doesn't talk. She doesn't seem to communicate at all. Her eyes have died. It's like the eyes of a 75 year old man on his death bed. She doesn't want to try anymore. It seems that in her short time on earth she has learned that people always leave. Systems fail. Life means nothing. Trying is useless. She just simply sits passively. She doesn't seem to want or expect anything. She's not like other children. She's given up.
I've seen patients die, patients who burned their entire faces, patients whose legs are thinner than my wrist and an entire array of horrible things in this hospital. But this is the only patients whose made me cry so far. Children shouldn't be rendered hopeless. Children should dream and play and hope as if anything is possible. Children shouldn't be alone. Something in our society has failed if we cannot even take care of our children.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
'n Goeie dag
Okay, so tussen gistraand en vandag was dinge net awesome. Ek was gistraand UIT in graskop. Ek het 'n bier gedrink in graskop. Nie gedink daai woorde kan in dieselfde sin pas nie!! Maar in elk geval, my buurvrou het vir my gevra of ek saammet hulle wil kerktoe gaan. Sure. Kerk. Maybe ontmoet ek nuwe mense. Ek het toe 2 meisies omtrent my ouderdom ontmoet. Die een het 'n 7 maande oue babatjie. Haar man is dood net na die kind se geboorte so dis nogal sad. In elk geval na kerk het ons gaan koffie drink en toe het ons 'n bier gaan drink. Random plek hierdie. En sulke ou omies het vir ons shooters gekoop en apparently is dit normaal want niemand het uitgefreak gelyk nie.
En vanoggend toe ek by die werk kom is ek die lucky wenner van 'n week lange konferensie oor vigs volgende week in badplaas. Jipeee!! Eks verskriklik bly daaroor. So... dit was 'n goeie dag. Nou moet ek net my oe oophou tot die son ondergaan dan kan ek gaan slaap...
O ja, ek het studente! Wits studente wat ek supervise. Dis awesome! Ek gee advise en help hulle met allerhande pasiente en so aan. Dis vreemd, onverwags, amper soos om 'n kind te he sonder om te weet dat jy swanger was. Okay nie so erg nie, maar bitter amper. Ek sit in vergaderings saammet hulle dosente en lyk all professional. He he. Who knew.
En vanoggend toe ek by die werk kom is ek die lucky wenner van 'n week lange konferensie oor vigs volgende week in badplaas. Jipeee!! Eks verskriklik bly daaroor. So... dit was 'n goeie dag. Nou moet ek net my oe oophou tot die son ondergaan dan kan ek gaan slaap...
O ja, ek het studente! Wits studente wat ek supervise. Dis awesome! Ek gee advise en help hulle met allerhande pasiente en so aan. Dis vreemd, onverwags, amper soos om 'n kind te he sonder om te weet dat jy swanger was. Okay nie so erg nie, maar bitter amper. Ek sit in vergaderings saammet hulle dosente en lyk all professional. He he. Who knew.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
It's like I landed smack-dab in the middle of Mozambique. Or some other strange country. I scarcely recognise anything in this strange place. The people speak a strange language and half the time I have no idea what is going on around me. There are NO resources, NONE AT ALL!! There's nothing to do proper OT with. There are no standardised tests, no gorniometer, no referral procedure, no nothing... I have no idea what I'm doing half the time as the tools that I'm used to are unavailable and no one teaches me wrong from right. It's crazy. To be the most hardworking person within a 50m radius....totally new for me:-)
But interesting... I'm learning new ways. I'm supervising students! Crazy, as a little more than I week ago I still was a student. Now I'm telling them what to do. So today I lugged all my books to work as I refuse to treat someone again when I have no idea what I'm doing. I cannot send someone home or back to the ward knowing I made no difference. It's not fair. And it drives me nuts as most of the people at work get paid the same as me or more but never do anything useful. Every idea I pitch to them is fine, as long as they can sit in their offices and have tea. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit, but not a lot though... It's unlike anything I've seen before. The problem is not a LACK of skills, but a lack of people willing to use their skills. Just because people are poor and dont pay for healthcare doesn't mean they can receive inferior treatment. In fact, they use most of their money to just travel to the hospital, so they should be given special care!
So I'm continuing to try my best... Or actually, I'm shoving my "best" up a notch or two and seeing what more I can do. I just hate the feeling of not having made a difference. And I pray to God that I don't become unmotivated.
I like children a lot so I will take it upon myself to see children in the paeds ward and to give education to the mom's of newborns. There's also a place where disabled children are being taken care of and they have NOTHING. Not even proper beds. No toys. No posters on the walls. So if you have something you would like to donate please contact me. They are in more desperate need than the usual term desperate need....
Monday, March 2, 2009
My first day
Okay so I need to commend myself for making it to 5 o clock today without crying. Then I spoke to my mom on the phone and....that was the end. So sorry if you're calling and I'm not picking up but I am composing myself tonight...
Bad things
- no one at the department has a clue wat real occupational therapy looks like
- personal space is a myth
- lunch hour= lunch as-long-as-you-want
- I dont speak sotho or tsonga therefore am lost on half the conversations around me
- the words referral procedure, protocol and organisation got lost somewhere between here and witbank
- cows in the road on the way to work
- no friendly faces when I walk into my room
- my room is half the size with double the stuff
- rain. all the time.
Good things
-Money! (or at least the prospect of it)
- My neighbour is sweet and makes me coffee when I cry
- The people in the house are nice
- no traffic on the way to work
- ummmm?????
- pasta and wine and feeling sorry enough for myself to indulge
- time for myself
- reading my scriptwriting book and having time for it
- ummmm
- I'll come up with more tomorrow
Ciao!
Bad things
- no one at the department has a clue wat real occupational therapy looks like
- personal space is a myth
- lunch hour= lunch as-long-as-you-want
- I dont speak sotho or tsonga therefore am lost on half the conversations around me
- the words referral procedure, protocol and organisation got lost somewhere between here and witbank
- cows in the road on the way to work
- no friendly faces when I walk into my room
- my room is half the size with double the stuff
- rain. all the time.
Good things
-Money! (or at least the prospect of it)
- My neighbour is sweet and makes me coffee when I cry
- The people in the house are nice
- no traffic on the way to work
- ummmm?????
- pasta and wine and feeling sorry enough for myself to indulge
- time for myself
- reading my scriptwriting book and having time for it
- ummmm
- I'll come up with more tomorrow
Ciao!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
The darkness
Extract from my journal from December ‘08
“ Sometimes pain tricks you into thinking there’s something romantic or noble about it. It’s as if you wear your pain like a vail, like you’re nothing without it. It tricks you into thinking it owns you and that it is a part of your essence. You can’t remember a time that it wasn’t part of you. Pain is something you carry around in your soul, everywhere you go. Like leaving it behind will be leaving a part of yourself.
Bu there’s nothing romantic or fairytale-like about pain.
Today I realized that I’m happt. It happened slowly, without a big event or a certain moment in time. I just noticed the difference between today and the last time I was here.
The dark is dark. The light is light. Lighter than you can ever imagine. The Light is worth fighting for.
There’s nothing light about the darkness…it’s only dark”
“ Sometimes pain tricks you into thinking there’s something romantic or noble about it. It’s as if you wear your pain like a vail, like you’re nothing without it. It tricks you into thinking it owns you and that it is a part of your essence. You can’t remember a time that it wasn’t part of you. Pain is something you carry around in your soul, everywhere you go. Like leaving it behind will be leaving a part of yourself.
Bu there’s nothing romantic or fairytale-like about pain.
Today I realized that I’m happt. It happened slowly, without a big event or a certain moment in time. I just noticed the difference between today and the last time I was here.
The dark is dark. The light is light. Lighter than you can ever imagine. The Light is worth fighting for.
There’s nothing light about the darkness…it’s only dark”
If you were here
If you were here tonight
All I would do is lie in your arms
And pretend that the world was alright
As it always was with you
If you were here tonight I would
Climb right back into our bubble and pretend
That kissing and smiling and holding your hand
Was everything I lived for
If you were here tonight
I would talk to you about everything
And know
That you weren’t really listening
But I would tell you anyway
If you were here tonight all I’d expect of you
Was to tell me that you think I’m beautiful
Even though you might not mean it
We would both pretend you did
And if you were here tonight
I’d hear you say
“I love you”
and I would know it wasn’t true
and you would know that I know
but we would both act like it was
and I would say“me too”
All I would do is lie in your arms
And pretend that the world was alright
As it always was with you
If you were here tonight I would
Climb right back into our bubble and pretend
That kissing and smiling and holding your hand
Was everything I lived for
If you were here tonight
I would talk to you about everything
And know
That you weren’t really listening
But I would tell you anyway
If you were here tonight all I’d expect of you
Was to tell me that you think I’m beautiful
Even though you might not mean it
We would both pretend you did
And if you were here tonight
I’d hear you say
“I love you”
and I would know it wasn’t true
and you would know that I know
but we would both act like it was
and I would say“me too”
17/05/07
Winter in jou hart
As ek maar kon
Soos altyd saam jou
‘n gesprek begin wat ‘n leeftyd aanhou
soos somer in die berge
As ek maar kon voel oor jou
Soos oor die see
Soos oor die stilte
Wat binne in my begin
As tyd maar kon stilstaan
En jy
Ook sit en wonder soos ek
Oor somer by die see
Ek ken my stilte
En jou vrees
Ek ken jou hande
En my asem
Maar soms is dit nie genoeg nie
Want dis winter in jou hart
Soos altyd saam jou
‘n gesprek begin wat ‘n leeftyd aanhou
soos somer in die berge
As ek maar kon voel oor jou
Soos oor die see
Soos oor die stilte
Wat binne in my begin
As tyd maar kon stilstaan
En jy
Ook sit en wonder soos ek
Oor somer by die see
Ek ken my stilte
En jou vrees
Ek ken jou hande
En my asem
Maar soms is dit nie genoeg nie
Want dis winter in jou hart
I started this blog as I’m about to start a new phase in my life. I’m moving to a town where I know no one, starting a new job in a new place. So this is going to be an incredible and tough journey. I decided to start this blog as I love writing and this is how I sort out my life and my feelings. So now anyone can join me on this journey and if you ever wonder how I am you can check my blog. This is more of a journey into my thought change in my heart and mind than a physical change. I’m scared of what’s to come, but also excited. As I’m not a natural optimist, as some of you might know, this took a lot of time to realize. That this move is a good thing. To feel excited and to face this head on. So feel free to read anything I write or leave comments as you read. I hope I can encourage some people as I write or simply just make you part of my own inside world. Let the journey begin…
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