Thursday, April 23, 2009

Today

Today I was just fed up with everyone doing nothing. Seriously I have never in my life experience professional behaviour like this. My boss sneaking around behind her boss’s back, leaving early for lunch or acting sick to skip a day of work. People looking at files and just writing their names down after 5 minutes with a patient, guessing at assessments. Girls coming to work (THERAPISTS) in high heels and skinny jeans, sitting in the reception the entire day looking pretty and staring at me because I’m actually doing my work. And I was just simply sick of it.

Then the head of department asked me if I wanted to go to church with her in lunch time. Good thing I grew up in a charismatic church otherwise I would’ve been so overwhelmed. I got there and saw head of departments, people from fancy offices, down on their knees praying loudly, moaning to God. Expressing their doubts, fears, crying His name, raising their hands and voices. It was so natural. Nothing weird about it. No one shy. And then the pastor began to sing, and, without words on a board, without a band, people just fall in and sing. At the top of their voices. It was so beautiful. I can’t describe it, how such spontaneity could be so amazingly beautiful.

Then the woman started preaching. I was amazed by her passion. Sometimes she was screaming so hard and powerfully that my ears almost burst (seriously, it was a small space with high resonance) And then she would feel God speak, go on another track and tears would fill her eyes. You can see the Lord through this woman. She said something that rang particularly true to me is the following… while we are busy with God’s business, God is busy with ours. She was talking about, how, even when you’re worried about paying your child’s school fees, pay someone else’s. If you don’t have time for yourself, spend time with a sick child. Get busy with God’s business. We are His hands and feet. People see what’s going on in the world and ask “Where is God?” and the answer is, God is in us. We are here to do His business. And then, while we’re busy with the business of God, he takes care of our own problems, so we never have to worry. We never have to wonder where the solutions to our problems will come from, because God already knows them.

And this is how God is with me every day. This is how he holds my hand and my heart. This is how he takes care of me. I get to learn about him in tough times. I get to learn that, what is tough for me, would be a priviledge for others. And how to work as if I’m working for Him, not for people. To see what I can do for others. And I’m not even almost where I should be, but I’m learning every day. All the glory to HIM!! When He asks you to do something, he ALWAYS gives you what you need to do it!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

God is goooooooddd!!

Recently I had to let something go that I really didn’t want to let go. And today I realized the value of it. God’s been telling me for a while that this wasn’t good for me and this was something I just had to let go of. And as soon as I made the decision it was like a new world went open for me. And now I just want to publicly give God credit for this. He knows what’s good for us and what we need to do. Previously when I had to make a decision like this I would think about it for months on end, I would go round and round torturing myself before deciding and finally doing it. And this time I decided it was the best way, consulted some of my God-friends and did it. And now I’m free. God really knows best! Usually we try to make up these complicated answers, but I’ve learned that the simplest answer is usually God’s way. More often that not we know the truth and the right thing, we are just to stubborn/scared to do it. It’s scary, I know. It’s like leaping off a cliff or jumping off a bridge and not knowing if someone will catch you. But God will. And most of the time we know the answer. We know the right thing. We’re just to comfortable/scared to do it.

It’s like the story where the girl saved all her money to buy plastic pearls. Finally she scratched everything she had together and bought them. When she got home her father asked her to give him the pearls. At first she didn’t want to, she had saved her last money to get them! And her father didn’t take them, he just asked. Finally she gave in and gave them to her father. Then her father took them, and replaced them with real pearls. But she had to make the decision to give them up!

If God asks you to give something up it’s not because he sits in heaven trying to think of ways to torture us or make us miserable. He always asks things of us for our own good.

And don’t get me wrong, I’ve become a fan of the “feel good NOW” club. I’d do things that give me compensation now. I’d do things to make me feel good right away, that made me get through the day. But God wants you to get through this life. It might not always be comfortable or easy, but he wants to let you grow. God looks into the future and sees the rewards, where we look at the present or a day or two in advance. God’s answer is never the quickest, easiest way. His answer is long-term. He demands hard work and perseverance and often sacrifice. But the rewards is always eternal.

And you might not see the fruits right now. You might not even see the reason. But if there’s been this nagging, persistent thought at the back of your mind, deal with it now. Don’t put if off another second. Don’t run around repeating the same mistakes. Give it up. Give it to God. He is more worth it than anything this world can offer you!! Please, this took me a long time to learn and I am sure I will make the mistake again. But listen to God. Listen. You know what to do.

Wise words: Advice is what we ask when we know the answer but don’t like it.

We learn

Today was one of those strange days that I was spent thinking way too much. It was weird, because I spent half of the day feeling entirely inadequate and couldn’t believe that I studied 4 years and still know nothing. I am not one of those people who’ve mastered the art of always looking confident as if they know exactly what they’re doing. When I don’t have an idea what I’m doing, it shows on my face like a blubbering idiot. Even when I know what I’m doing I sometimes look like I don’t know what I’m doing. So I’ve managed to master the art of complete incompetence even if I’m competent. Weird, I know. So then we had some students today. And I realized how little they know. And I know I’ve been there. I specifically remember being there. Actually, I still feel “there”.

But then I see the difference between there and here. And I also see their absolute arrogance and unwillingness to learn. And I realize that there are some things I need to work on both way. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and have confidence in your own abilities. Know that you know. Look like you know. Trust yourself. And sometimes you need to know what you don’t know. Ask for help. Be willing and open to new ideas and correction. Because you will start at the bottom. Most people will know more than you do. It takes time and experience and your first year of working is not the year to expect yourself to be perfect. And even then, you will still look like an idiot sometimes. Deal with it.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Tonight I had to let a very dear friend go for very personal reasons. And it hurts so much. And I shouldn't stop to think about what I just did for more than a few seconds. So tonight, you will indulge in my writings, in my heart, in my sadness. Simply because, at this moment, this is all I am

If I should take a second tonight
to stop and think
I would surely lose my mind

If I let the thought of what happened
pass through my mind
only once tonight
I will miss you so much that
I will surely die a thousand deaths

If tonight I should
accidently see your picture
or anything
that vaguely reminds me of you

If I stop
If I breathe
If I take a moment

I wont make it to tomorrow

So tonight
By any means
I will happily take my morphine
Induce my artificial high
and continue in this willfull delusion

I will act like you dont exist

until I forget that you ever did

Thursday, April 9, 2009

So the other day I walked past a sign painted on a wall that says "Don't drink and walk in the middle of the road. Arive alive" So I can just imagine this drunk person stumbling out of the bar, into the middle of the road. Lucky for him he looks up and, in his drunken stupor, not being able to put two sentences together, he manages to read the sign. He then pulls all the working parts of his brain together and interprets the meaning. Then goes "Oh, let me walk on the sidewalk" and manages to (still in his drunken state) incoordinatedly stumble to the sidewalk and stay there for the rest of his journey home. Lucky him.
You gotta admire the people for trying though.

I've been learning a lot about different cultures. Me and the other community service OT regularly speak about things like, how they would celebrate easter or getting married any paying lobola. Apparantely an unmarried woman without a child and a tertiary degree is worth anything from R40 000. So any takers? I'm sure my dad would be happy with that incentive.

Anyway, despite the differences there are also a lot of familiarities. I'm realising that, no matter how poor, rich, sick or indifferent you are to other people, everyone's insides are basically the same. I got into this patients room the other day. She is 20 years old and she was burned badly on her face, back, hands and legs. She can barely use her hands as the thick scar tissue is preventing her from bending her fingers. And she's ususally all tought and don't-care. But today I got there and her eyes were red. All she wanted was to talk to her mother. So I just sat on her bed and let her cry. Sometimes we need to cry the bad stuff out to make place for the good stuff. And realise that people, in the end, are just people. Same inside as you.