Hierdie jaar het ek bietjie van ‘n love-hate relationship met die stilte. Aan die begin was ek nogal verbouereerd elke keer as ek by die huis stop en besef ekt niks om die aand/naweek te doen nie. Deesdae hou ek nogal daarvan. Maar dit beteken nie eks nie mal opgewonde as ek iets het om te doen nie!
Maar daar is nog dae wat ek die deur oopsluit en dan sit daai stil-hartseer vir my en wag. Of dit klop aan my deur en nooi himself in soos ‘n ou vriend, of seker meer soos familie, want dis asof die hartseer partykeer veels te gemaklik in my hart is. En soos gewoonlik over-stay die hartseer sy welcome heeltemal. Party oggende word ek wakker en eks soos “Is jy nogsteeds hier? Het ek nie al vir jou totsiens gese nie?”
Dalk hang vir van my af. Van of ek die deur oopmaak. Daar is tog ‘n plek vir hartseer, maar daai tipe wat vir ‘n rukkie kom kuier en dan een oggend staan jy op en hys weg. Maar partykeer is daar die hartseer wat bly. En dalk is dit omdat mens wil he dat hy bly. Mens vergeet hoe dit is om nie hartseer te wees nie. Mens vergeet hoe die die son voel en hoe dit is om saam vriende te kuier. En soms kan mens nie alleen van die hartseer ontsla raak nie, dis net saam God wat jy dit weer by die deur kan uitsit. Maar soms is dit tog ‘n besluit. Of ‘n herinnering aan ‘n tyd voor die hartseer himself in jou hart ingetrek het.
Ek voel nie particularly hartseer deesdae nie. Ek voel eintlik regtig goed. Maar ek onthou hoe dit is as die hartseer intrek en dan kan mens nie eers onthou dat hierdie tyd van mens bestaan het nie. Ek dink die duiwel jok vir mens. Dis amper asof mens ‘n romanse met die hartseer aangaan. Asof dit ‘n permanente verhouding word. Amper soos om in die verkeerde verhouding te wees, maar mens bly want dis bekend en veilig. As jy hartseer is word niks van jou verwag nie. Jy verwag niks van jouself nie. En eendag as jy ophou hartseer is dan moet jy opstaan. En dis moeite. Jy moet weer probeer. Weer kanse vat. Weer waag om eendag hartseer te wees. Dalk is dit makliker om net te bly?
Maar ek moet, op sulke dae, myself herinner dat dit tydelik is en dat dit worth it is om bietjie die kans te vat en op te staan. Partykeer verras geluk jou, net soos hartseer. ‘n Onverwagse lekker aand of ‘n oproep van ‘n vriend of net daai oomblik wat jy agterkom jyt vergeet van dit wat jou hartseer maak, al is dit net vir ‘n paar uur. En mens sal weer opstaan en mens sal weer aangaan.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
In awe
I have to confess
I am in total awe
Almost admiration
Of the way you manage to get up and leave
So easily
By the way you effortlessly say goodbye
And never even phone again
As if the existence of me in your life
Was simply
Arbitrary
I know we call each other friends
If that is what would make you
Feel better about yourself
Or maybe simply for my own sake
As if any of us believe the label
And I know I can call you now
If I wanted to
But say what?
That I sometimes miss you so much I can’t breathe
It simply wouldn’t do
Because by this afternoon
You would have forgotten that you’ve even heard my voice today
And I’d once again simply be
A fleeting thought
In the back of your mind
I am in total awe
Almost admiration
Of the way you manage to get up and leave
So easily
By the way you effortlessly say goodbye
And never even phone again
As if the existence of me in your life
Was simply
Arbitrary
I know we call each other friends
If that is what would make you
Feel better about yourself
Or maybe simply for my own sake
As if any of us believe the label
And I know I can call you now
If I wanted to
But say what?
That I sometimes miss you so much I can’t breathe
It simply wouldn’t do
Because by this afternoon
You would have forgotten that you’ve even heard my voice today
And I’d once again simply be
A fleeting thought
In the back of your mind
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Disability event
Today we had a big charity event for children with disabilities. This took almost two months of planning: finding sponsors, phoning the same sponsors again and again, driving up and down for quotes, typing letters, organising busses, phoning people to come to the event, inviting guest speakers, making goodie bags, working out budgets, begging people for money… this was endless doing and re-doing. Especially in government where something that should take 2 minutes ends up taking 20. So you might not actually be doing that much, it just takes that long to do.
The past few days consisted of picking up sponsorships, lugging around 400 cans of colddrink, driving up and down to stores and back, running and phoning to confirm and re-confirm, decorating, buying food. And today finally getting up just past 5 to be there at 6, chopping onions, cooking food, telling people where to go and what to do, re-doing what people didn’t do right, organising and… oh my goodness I’m tired just from typing this.
And I can say with all the glory to God and thanks to everyone involved that it was an outstanding success. A lot of frustration and stress later and everyone was in the hall and the events began. We invited a school of able-bodied children’s grade 1 class to perform an item. These were the sweetest, quiets, most well-behaved children I’ve ever seen. They arrived a good hour and a half before the event, sitting quietly in the hall waiting for the events to begin. Then during the event they were so well-behaved. And the items they performed. I’ve never seen such talent. 28 grade 1’s who know exactly where to stand, what to do and how loud to speak so people can hear them. They were thoroughly entertaining!
But the best for me was just learning from the black culture. Or rural culture. Or whatever politically correct way there is to say it. During the event people would spontaneously burst out in song. Children would dance in front and return to their seats. Disabled children would move to the music with smiles bigger than sunshine. Mothers of disabled children moved in their seats with children on their backs. It was so amazing. Their absolute freedom to…thoroughly enjoy themselves. None of the white conservative no-it’s-not-on-the-programme “we can’t sing now” mentality. The event was about what the audience wanted and if they wanted to sing, then we sang! And a lot of it was worship songs. Their freedom to worship God where-ever they got the chance was simply amazing. I am still in awe.
And when push came to shove everyone really (finally) did their share!! People were really keen to help. And get free food eventually J But I was impressed at the turn-out of people. And watching people’s faces during the event. I didn’t understand much because 90% was in sotho or shangaan or something, but looking at the faces of mothers and children I just realized that, even for a few hours, we could make them smile. We could give them hope. We could give them encouragement and show them that others are in the same boat as they are.
I think that’s what we, as part of the human race, need to remember. Others are also in the same boat. You are not the only one going through what you’re going through. Be it a broken heart, death of a loved one, making a difficult decision, or even being happy and being in a moment you enjoy, you are not alone in this. There are people everywhere suffering the same as you, laughing the same as you, learning the same as you, enjoying the same as you and simply living the same as you. God made us like this. To work together, to be together, to suffer together, to enjoy together! I hope that, whatever you are doing today, tonight, you know that you are not alone. Everything is better when we share it!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS
I'm going through a little bit of a hard time, but I just want to declare how much the Lord has blessed me in this time. Usually when things like this happen I'm not strong at all. I fall apart. I do whatever you're not supposed to do to hide from the pain and sadness. But this time it's like God is holding me up. Like He is keeping me in His hand. I know he will never let go. Things may seem bad or hopeless, but I have so much peace. God will never let me fall. I can say that with so much certainty. With more certainty than I know the bed I am sitting on will hold me. God is keeping me safe. He is close to the brokenhearted.
And I realised two things in this time. I've been thinking about this for a while but is practially experiencing it now. When things are bad, when we cannot see God's plan or feel His hand, when we hurt and life sucks, and we STILL serve God. When we serve God even though we don't have a reason to. Then God wins. Then the devil loses. It's easy to serve God when things are going well. Can you not fall apart, can you stay on track, can you STILL SERVE HIM AND DECLARE HIS GLORY WHEN THINGS ARE BAD???
And the second thing, what we do NOW, how we handle things now and spend our time now, determines our future. I'd spent a lot of time with God the past few months, and I hadn't realised the impact then, but I'm picking the fruits now. The time with him previously, is paying off now. I am stronger and at peace now. God is still my rock even when my world is shaking. And how I handle things now will determine my future. If I run away now and fill up my time with things that keep my mind off my pain, I won't learn anything. I won't become even stronger for next time. I won't learn to rely on God. I will simply be running away. But if I face it now, however painful it may be, if I turn to God now and rely on Him like it's life or death...that will determine my future. That will make me strong for things to come. I hav ethe chance and opportunity now to shape myself into the kind of woman that God wants me to be. I will rejoice in my suffering!
I will declare his beautiful name!!
And a poem...it happens when I let my mind loose sometimes.
It’s almost like sadness
The way I feel about you
The way I think about you and I’m sure
That my heart is hurting
I vaguely remember what sadness feels like
It is this feeling
Isn’t it?
It’s almost like a dream
The way I think of us
Of the lifetime that passed in the space
Of a few days
Or maybe it had simply been in my mind
Almost like a dream
It’s almost like missing you
When I try to remember how I felt about you
Missing what we had
If it had been something
Or maybe we had simply imagined it to be true
It’s almost like I lost something special
But I can’t quite remember why
Like a vague feeling of regret
Is it that?
Or simply the thought of what might have been?
How can I forget so quickly
Else it was simply in my mind
Maybe I’d simply dreamed it all
Maybe it was really nothing at all
And I realised two things in this time. I've been thinking about this for a while but is practially experiencing it now. When things are bad, when we cannot see God's plan or feel His hand, when we hurt and life sucks, and we STILL serve God. When we serve God even though we don't have a reason to. Then God wins. Then the devil loses. It's easy to serve God when things are going well. Can you not fall apart, can you stay on track, can you STILL SERVE HIM AND DECLARE HIS GLORY WHEN THINGS ARE BAD???
And the second thing, what we do NOW, how we handle things now and spend our time now, determines our future. I'd spent a lot of time with God the past few months, and I hadn't realised the impact then, but I'm picking the fruits now. The time with him previously, is paying off now. I am stronger and at peace now. God is still my rock even when my world is shaking. And how I handle things now will determine my future. If I run away now and fill up my time with things that keep my mind off my pain, I won't learn anything. I won't become even stronger for next time. I won't learn to rely on God. I will simply be running away. But if I face it now, however painful it may be, if I turn to God now and rely on Him like it's life or death...that will determine my future. That will make me strong for things to come. I hav ethe chance and opportunity now to shape myself into the kind of woman that God wants me to be. I will rejoice in my suffering!
I will declare his beautiful name!!
And a poem...it happens when I let my mind loose sometimes.
It’s almost like sadness
The way I feel about you
The way I think about you and I’m sure
That my heart is hurting
I vaguely remember what sadness feels like
It is this feeling
Isn’t it?
It’s almost like a dream
The way I think of us
Of the lifetime that passed in the space
Of a few days
Or maybe it had simply been in my mind
Almost like a dream
It’s almost like missing you
When I try to remember how I felt about you
Missing what we had
If it had been something
Or maybe we had simply imagined it to be true
It’s almost like I lost something special
But I can’t quite remember why
Like a vague feeling of regret
Is it that?
Or simply the thought of what might have been?
How can I forget so quickly
Else it was simply in my mind
Maybe I’d simply dreamed it all
Maybe it was really nothing at all
Friday, August 14, 2009
my mistake
Last year I was very upset at a friend of mine. He had moved to Cape Town a while ago and met a girl there and very quickly proposed and planned to marry her. He phoned me one day and told me that he could not be my friend anymore. This was mainly due to the girl's jealousy and his "checkered" past. She didn't know which of his friends were just friends and which friends she needed to be jealous of or that he might do something with. And I know him and he would never cheat on her. He has character and integrity. At the time I blamed the girl and I was very upset at him for not seeing that this was her problem and she needed to deal with it.
But
Recently I realised that I was wrong. Yes she was insecure. Yes she didn't need to be. But he needed to take her side. She was the woman he was going to marry and he had to chose her always. Even if she was wrong. Even if she was being unreasonable. He should always be on her side, always defend her, always protect her and always show her she is first in his life.
It took me a while, but I forgive him even though I realise now that he did the right thing. I understand it now.
But
Recently I realised that I was wrong. Yes she was insecure. Yes she didn't need to be. But he needed to take her side. She was the woman he was going to marry and he had to chose her always. Even if she was wrong. Even if she was being unreasonable. He should always be on her side, always defend her, always protect her and always show her she is first in his life.
It took me a while, but I forgive him even though I realise now that he did the right thing. I understand it now.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Today I went to Machadadorp for a meeting. I was driving with my co-worker, a physiotherapist, who is a black man. Me and him are sort-of friends, but I am still a little wary of him for a few reasons. I've also gotten very angry at him on occasion because of lack of motivation/enthusiasm/laziness (Which I am beginning to understand due to the conditions we work in, but am by no means trying to excuse)
Anyway. So after the meeting we were hungry and went to get lunch at this little take-away place and decided to sit there at a table and eat. And I was suddenly aware of a woman blatantly staring at us. I don't know wether she thought he was my boyfriend or just disgusted at the fact that a young white woman is sitting with a black man. And I was even more surprised at my reaction, suddenly acutely aware that I was sitting with him at a table and people were staring. When it comes to racial issues me and my friends are pretty much open to anything. We don't have racial issues and I don't judge people on the colour of their skin. Or I try not to. But I realise that it's beginning to seep into me. Or it was probably always there and it's starting to present itsself now. Even at work, or when I meet someone new, and they are not white, I immediately (even though before today subconsciously) judged them as being "less educated" and "less knowing" in their field or in their vocation. I give their thoughts or comments seconds thoughts and trust little of what they say regarding work.
I have what you would call an "educated" black friend or a "westernised" or whatever crap we come up with to put people in boxes. And being with him I never felt that people were judging or whatever. And this black man today, I know him as self-confident and not afraid to state his opinion, but in this totally different enviroment he became quiet and introverted. And I tried to think of things from his side. Growing up in bushbuckridge, not knowing much english when he was younger, not knowing anything else but the rural ways of his parents and their beliefs, a situation like this was totally out of him comfort zone. Exacerbated by the fact that rude people openly stare...I could understand the discomfort. And it came to me suddenly that, maybe he doesn't work and stay where he does because he likes it, maybe it's just a place where he feels wanted and accepted. And who of us can say that we do not make decisions to fit into our comfort zones. Would any of us move to and stay in bushbuckridge, for whatever reason? Such a decision would not be made lightly. And I always get angry at the people who I work with for not having more ambition and motivation, but me, myself, would I be able to make such a "leap" out of my comfort zone, into another community, especially into a community where people do not accept me at first.
Wow, so many things are going through my mind. I am a little dissapointed for finding this tiny bit of judgement or whatever kind of racism on my inside. Or discrimination, probably a better word. Even if it's just my thoughts. Our thoughts do, in the end, determine our actions.
I spoke to my home cell leader about my boss because she endlessly gets on my nerves and I have become very negative and stubborn towards her. I ignore most of what she says and value her opinion very little. And he gave me some good advice. When dealing with people, always give them the benefit of the doubt. If she is snappy or irritated towards me, try to "solve" in my mind that she might be having a bad day or had a fight with her husband. This will set the tone of how I react towards her and again her reaction towards me. And also, try to see what the other person needs. Try to meet her needs. Like... does she need acceptance, value, confidence? Does she simply need to be valued in her position of authority?
And even if she is wrong, which I really feel she is a lot of the time, so what. I can deal with it better than I am dealing with it now. God does not expect me to only love and respect the people who are good to me. He expects me to love and respect my enemies. People that hate me. People that are mean to me. People that ignore me. People that are openly discriminating against me. Because that is how we share his love. No one will notice if you are nice to someone who is nice to you. But someone will notice if you are nice to those who are mean to you.
And this is much, much, much easier said than done. And I will need to pray every morning for new patience and new grace. This does not come naturally to me. I am rebellious and stubborn by nature. But I want to adopt God's nature. And I really, really pray that He helps me to do this, because in myseld there is just no strenght.
Anyway. So after the meeting we were hungry and went to get lunch at this little take-away place and decided to sit there at a table and eat. And I was suddenly aware of a woman blatantly staring at us. I don't know wether she thought he was my boyfriend or just disgusted at the fact that a young white woman is sitting with a black man. And I was even more surprised at my reaction, suddenly acutely aware that I was sitting with him at a table and people were staring. When it comes to racial issues me and my friends are pretty much open to anything. We don't have racial issues and I don't judge people on the colour of their skin. Or I try not to. But I realise that it's beginning to seep into me. Or it was probably always there and it's starting to present itsself now. Even at work, or when I meet someone new, and they are not white, I immediately (even though before today subconsciously) judged them as being "less educated" and "less knowing" in their field or in their vocation. I give their thoughts or comments seconds thoughts and trust little of what they say regarding work.
I have what you would call an "educated" black friend or a "westernised" or whatever crap we come up with to put people in boxes. And being with him I never felt that people were judging or whatever. And this black man today, I know him as self-confident and not afraid to state his opinion, but in this totally different enviroment he became quiet and introverted. And I tried to think of things from his side. Growing up in bushbuckridge, not knowing much english when he was younger, not knowing anything else but the rural ways of his parents and their beliefs, a situation like this was totally out of him comfort zone. Exacerbated by the fact that rude people openly stare...I could understand the discomfort. And it came to me suddenly that, maybe he doesn't work and stay where he does because he likes it, maybe it's just a place where he feels wanted and accepted. And who of us can say that we do not make decisions to fit into our comfort zones. Would any of us move to and stay in bushbuckridge, for whatever reason? Such a decision would not be made lightly. And I always get angry at the people who I work with for not having more ambition and motivation, but me, myself, would I be able to make such a "leap" out of my comfort zone, into another community, especially into a community where people do not accept me at first.
Wow, so many things are going through my mind. I am a little dissapointed for finding this tiny bit of judgement or whatever kind of racism on my inside. Or discrimination, probably a better word. Even if it's just my thoughts. Our thoughts do, in the end, determine our actions.
I spoke to my home cell leader about my boss because she endlessly gets on my nerves and I have become very negative and stubborn towards her. I ignore most of what she says and value her opinion very little. And he gave me some good advice. When dealing with people, always give them the benefit of the doubt. If she is snappy or irritated towards me, try to "solve" in my mind that she might be having a bad day or had a fight with her husband. This will set the tone of how I react towards her and again her reaction towards me. And also, try to see what the other person needs. Try to meet her needs. Like... does she need acceptance, value, confidence? Does she simply need to be valued in her position of authority?
And even if she is wrong, which I really feel she is a lot of the time, so what. I can deal with it better than I am dealing with it now. God does not expect me to only love and respect the people who are good to me. He expects me to love and respect my enemies. People that hate me. People that are mean to me. People that ignore me. People that are openly discriminating against me. Because that is how we share his love. No one will notice if you are nice to someone who is nice to you. But someone will notice if you are nice to those who are mean to you.
And this is much, much, much easier said than done. And I will need to pray every morning for new patience and new grace. This does not come naturally to me. I am rebellious and stubborn by nature. But I want to adopt God's nature. And I really, really pray that He helps me to do this, because in myseld there is just no strenght.
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