Passions

I really want to get married and have children one day. I’m sure every girl does. But today I realized I want to be more than that. I want to be someone who lives for God and who really makes a difference for Him. Who fights on His side to make a difference. I even realized today that I’ll give up the whole happily-ever-after thing if I could intensely live for God. If I had to choose. I’m not sure what that entails, but God has given me all these ideas and passions in my heart, and I believe He gave them to me for a reason. I think when I dream of my passions (acting, children, writing ect) I truly believe He is dreaming right next to me. I gave me these passions and dreams for a reason. When I am indulging in them I feel closer to Him than I ever have. And I want to chase that “dream” and that “high” more than anything else. If I die tomorrow, I want to know that I lived today in a similar way that God would have lived it.

And that means something else for everyone. For someone it might mean feeding babies in Africa, for another person playing drums in a rock band, for another person simply fasting and praying. God made us all different for a reason. He made us as pieces of Him and representations of Him. Differently. That is why we have different passions and outlooks on life. And no one’s dream is wrong, and no one’s dream is “more worthy” than another’s.

I am thankful that I have this year of “silence” to think about my future and to sort out my dreams. And I am starting to believe more and more that God gave me what he gave me for a reason. He will open doors in the direction of my passions. A good friend reminded me the other day of this, by telling me a cool story about how God figured out a little bit of next year for her. Not gonna tell the whole thing, but He included all her passions in His plan and opened doors for her.

Somehow the devil has managed to get a hold on my heart and emotions and mind the past couple of days. Until I realized today that the devil keeps me worrying about silly things, just to keep me occupied and to keep my mind off the thoughts God has planned for me. The devil doesn’t really care what I worry about or spend my time on, as long as it’s not on God and His things and plans. As long as I’m being passive and mediocre at what I do, then the devil is winning. I don’t actively have to be participating in evil, for me to serve the devil. All evil needs to take over is for good men to sit back and watch.


And I think for now, for tomorrow, for this week, my “goal” and “passion” might simply be to try and hear God’s voice in the workplace. To be patient with my patients (he he) and to be calm and not get angry or upset and not be overly emotional at ever little thing that goes wrong. To simply listen to what God wants me to do, even if it feels like wasting time to me. Maybe to learn patience. So I’m trying that, for now.

I just realized I don't think anyone reads this and...I dont even care.

I just need to get stuff out. Has been such a frustrating week for me and I don't even know why. People who just continuously get on my nerves. Or taking crap, taking crap, taking crap and then bursting. Or not spending enough time with God.

I miss Him

Random poems

This is what time should feel like
What a moment should feel like
Like a second suspended in space

Like a growing anticipation of a curtain
Before the first act starts
Before you know you will fly

Like closing your eyes in the rain
Or knowing your lover is on the other side of the door
Like the moment before you kiss
Or standing on the brink of something

Like breathing

A suspension of a moment
A feeling
A specific happiness
A perfection of a moment

Time painted in a still life

This is what a moment should feel like

~09/07/09




Vandag

Vandag soek ek jou
Om elke hoek en elke draai
En verwag jou stem
As ek my foon optel

Vandag sien ek jou in elke blommetjie
En elke straathoek en elke foto
Het ‘n storie om te vertel

Vandag wil ek jou blou oë saammet my koffie inneem
En jou bekende tree langs my hoor loop
Sonder om ‘n woord te praat

Vandag wil ek saammet jou maak of ons kan verf
En soos ‘n regte kunstenaar
Ons name op ligte teken

Vandag beleef ek jou in my gedagtes
En blaai ek elke bladsy van ons storie
Stadig om

Vandag wil ek jou groot postuur in my deur sien staan
En my hele dag net op jou skouers laai
Omdat ek weet jy sal dit vir my dra

Vandag wil ek net met jou dans
En sommer op jou tone trap
Omdat ek weet jy nie sal dink ek’s stupid nie

Vandag wens ek ek kon in jou oop arms inhardloop
En dat jy my in die ronde sal draai
Soos net jy kan

Vandag wil ek jou hoor lag uit jou maag uit
En saamlag
Omdat die lewe heeltemal te ernstig is

Vandag wil met jou baklei dat die spoeg spat
Want ek weet ons sal more oggend met ‘n glimlag opstaan
En saam kaalvoet in die reën kan hardloop

Vandag wil ek jou onvoorwaardelike vriendskap so intents beleef
Want ek weet dit hang nie af van hoeveel keer ek kerkoe gaan
Of dronkraak in die square nie
Maar net van jou en my

Vandag wil in my spore omdraai
En terughardloop na gister
Waar ons nog net kinders was
En al die seerkry
Net toneelspel

Vandag wil ek lank met jou gesels
Oor diep dinge
En dan lag tot almal vir ons kyk

Vandag wil sommer net sit en weet
Dat jy daar is
~2005



Eenvoud

Dis amper asof jy
‘n deel van my stadig
stukkie vir stukkie
oopdraai

en amper asof ek nie eers omgee nie

en dit waarvoor ek bang was
met elke woord van jou
stadig verdwyn

en jy maak my rustig
sonder om hard te probeer
en sonder moeite
maak jou binnekant my kalm

en ek word hartseer oor jou
net oor ek gewoond is aan hartseer wees

en jys vir my soos
eerlikheid moet wees
en vrede moet voel

en ek besef nou eers dat ek nog altyd van eenvoud gehou het

al het ek agter drama aangehardloop

My mind is in a weird place to bear with me or don't read on:

I think basically that nothing is real except for our perception of it. Not even life or, according to God, time, is real. It's all just a figment of our...bodies/minds?
How we perceive life/situations/people is all that counts. And what we do with those perceptions is all that counts in eternity. So maybe then actually only what we do counts. And what we do is influenced by how we perceive something.

So say my friend sees me with another guy, who is not my boyfriend. She goes and tells my boyfriend. He then reacts according to how he perceives our relationship. He can, either, know we are in a strong, accountable, stable relationship and knows that he trusts me and not even be bothered about it. Or he can worry because he is insecure in the relationship or because of past hurts. He can even talk to me about it, and see my explanation (it's an old friend) as a lie. He then becomes paranoid every time I go out and starts being possessive or he can distance himself trying to get "back" at me or trying to not get hurt himself. Or he can choose to believe that I am cheating on him and leave me/shout at me ect.

How he perceived the situation is the dialogue that goes on in his head. It's that dialogue that convinces us on the "real"ness of a situation. That is why we need to be acutely aware of the dialogue in our head. Of our thoughts. Same situation counts for someone who walks past a group of people who burst out laughing. In actual fact the one has just told a joke, but the person convinces herself they are laughing at her. So she gets negative reinforcement that "yes, they are laughing at me" and then acts in an insecure manner, which makes it even harder for people to relate to her, pushing her more away and reinforcing the negative cycle.

I'm just thinking aloud so stop if you get confused.

So here's a thought: how about we convince ourselves of positive things? So... even if they are laughing at you, if you convince yourself they aren't, you won't be shy around them, build a relationship with them, get positive reinforcement ect. Or in the relationship example. Say the girl is not cheating on the guy. He is throwing away a perfectly good relationship due to negative perceptions. And the more he is confident and secure in himself, it will show in his relationship, making the girl like him even more, turning it into a reality. I've left steps out and used simplified examples, but this is true.

It has been shown repeatedly in psychology that your expectation of treatment to work (whether pharmacological or therapeutic) is a strong determining factor in the success thereof. In other words, placebo effect. If you expect a certain outcome you are likely to receive that outcome.

Anyway. That's me so far on the subject. Thinking about it a lot however.

Judging

Okay so this will be a short blog. Just a thought. Yesterday we were sitting in the lounge waiting for the day to end. Everyone was talking in whatever language again and I was irritated at their lack of manners and communication skills. When I looked up and saw the physiotherapy assistant's eyes. So quick background: She is such a bitch. I'm sorry but she is most of the time. She acts like she rules the department, spies for our boss, constantly checks up on us and gossips behind our backs. She never does anything nice for us and if she does she wants compensation.

So I don't like her. But that day I saw a sadness in her eyes. And I realised. I am a 23 year old girl, I am making more money than she ever will, I am more educated than she'll ever be. I can walk out of that place in a few months and not look back. I have more than she will ever have. This is her place. This is what is known and comfortable to her. This is the only place she matters. Here, she has experience. She knows things. She is the boss. In the "real" world she is nothing. She would be dismissed as nothing more than a simple assistant who gets in the way.

And this doesn't excuse the way she is to us. But her behaviour doesn't excuse mine towards her. It doesn't give me the right to judge.

Hope

So, today I went to see a disabled patient of mine. He is a
quadraplegic and he recently tried to commit suicide. Funny thing
is, only a few days ago my collegue saw him at his house in the
community smiling and all that.

Talking to him today was...different. There is a sadness behind
his eyes, but somehow he is hopeful, but yet dissapointed in himself.
He said he cannot believe he tried to take the easy way out and that
he thought he was stronger than that. He also said that it felt good,
for a while, not feeling anything, being gone for a while, leaving
earth. He also said he wished he had someone to talk to.

We need to be His hand and His feet. The world sucks. More than ever
I realised it. The devil is winning, for now. We need to be God for
other people. When someone needs a hand, I need to be it for him
and at another time when I need feet someone will be my feet, or my eyes,
or whatever they expect me to be.

I'm so sad for the guy. But I'm hopeful that I can mean something
to him. Someone has to. And you need to mean something to someone.
We can sit around and bitch and moan. Or we can just hold hands
and believe that we will one day be in heaven, making earth
as bearable as possible for now. Our hope if in God and in heaven,
not in the sadness of today.

Okay, I’ve been really bummed out the past day…week…month even maybe. And I don’t have any particular reason to be. Which makes me realize the importance of stimulation, loving what you do and having friends. Anyway, so I’m trying something new. Here goes…

Good, nice and positive things about my life and my work at the moment:

- Being the only white person in the hospital (most of the time) provides my co-workers with the once in a lifetime opportunity to play “where’s wally” adapted into “where’s the white girl” at any time they please
- Constantly being in conversations I don’t understand gives me a chance to exercise my creative side and make up what I think they’re talking about
- Being alone almost every night gives me time to think and to write and keep everyone entertained with my blog, he he
- Being single gives me that chance to scope out hot guys and practise my flirting skills guilt-free
- I’m getting to know my computer very well
- I get time to read

Okay this is pretty dumb. In a good way of course J

So let’s tell a funny story about my day today:

We were out in the community in the middle of (insert word here) and nowhere and the optometrist was still busy with patients so the psychometrist (dude that does IQ tests) went off to a “shop”. When we were done we picked him up at the shop. Turns out it’s a shabeen and he was on his 4th beer (in working hours). Not giving a shit he climbs into the government car with an unfinished black label and red eyes. A few metres down the line we get stopped by traffic cops (which we never do because they don’t usually stop government cars.) In the end the police just checked the vehicle and didn’t spot the alcohol. I gotta say, I don’t know if the guy is just ignorant and dumb or a really good actor. Just another day in the public health service…joy.


Oh, and I realise my blogs are a bit dark these days. They will get happier again. And hopefully funnier. But if you don't like it, stop reading. I'm blogging for myself more than anything else.