Friday, August 14, 2009

my mistake

Last year I was very upset at a friend of mine. He had moved to Cape Town a while ago and met a girl there and very quickly proposed and planned to marry her. He phoned me one day and told me that he could not be my friend anymore. This was mainly due to the girl's jealousy and his "checkered" past. She didn't know which of his friends were just friends and which friends she needed to be jealous of or that he might do something with. And I know him and he would never cheat on her. He has character and integrity. At the time I blamed the girl and I was very upset at him for not seeing that this was her problem and she needed to deal with it.


But

Recently I realised that I was wrong. Yes she was insecure. Yes she didn't need to be. But he needed to take her side. She was the woman he was going to marry and he had to chose her always. Even if she was wrong. Even if she was being unreasonable. He should always be on her side, always defend her, always protect her and always show her she is first in his life.

It took me a while, but I forgive him even though I realise now that he did the right thing. I understand it now.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Today I went to Machadadorp for a meeting. I was driving with my co-worker, a physiotherapist, who is a black man. Me and him are sort-of friends, but I am still a little wary of him for a few reasons. I've also gotten very angry at him on occasion because of lack of motivation/enthusiasm/laziness (Which I am beginning to understand due to the conditions we work in, but am by no means trying to excuse)

Anyway. So after the meeting we were hungry and went to get lunch at this little take-away place and decided to sit there at a table and eat. And I was suddenly aware of a woman blatantly staring at us. I don't know wether she thought he was my boyfriend or just disgusted at the fact that a young white woman is sitting with a black man. And I was even more surprised at my reaction, suddenly acutely aware that I was sitting with him at a table and people were staring. When it comes to racial issues me and my friends are pretty much open to anything. We don't have racial issues and I don't judge people on the colour of their skin. Or I try not to. But I realise that it's beginning to seep into me. Or it was probably always there and it's starting to present itsself now. Even at work, or when I meet someone new, and they are not white, I immediately (even though before today subconsciously) judged them as being "less educated" and "less knowing" in their field or in their vocation. I give their thoughts or comments seconds thoughts and trust little of what they say regarding work.

I have what you would call an "educated" black friend or a "westernised" or whatever crap we come up with to put people in boxes. And being with him I never felt that people were judging or whatever. And this black man today, I know him as self-confident and not afraid to state his opinion, but in this totally different enviroment he became quiet and introverted. And I tried to think of things from his side. Growing up in bushbuckridge, not knowing much english when he was younger, not knowing anything else but the rural ways of his parents and their beliefs, a situation like this was totally out of him comfort zone. Exacerbated by the fact that rude people openly stare...I could understand the discomfort. And it came to me suddenly that, maybe he doesn't work and stay where he does because he likes it, maybe it's just a place where he feels wanted and accepted. And who of us can say that we do not make decisions to fit into our comfort zones. Would any of us move to and stay in bushbuckridge, for whatever reason? Such a decision would not be made lightly. And I always get angry at the people who I work with for not having more ambition and motivation, but me, myself, would I be able to make such a "leap" out of my comfort zone, into another community, especially into a community where people do not accept me at first.

Wow, so many things are going through my mind. I am a little dissapointed for finding this tiny bit of judgement or whatever kind of racism on my inside. Or discrimination, probably a better word. Even if it's just my thoughts. Our thoughts do, in the end, determine our actions.

I spoke to my home cell leader about my boss because she endlessly gets on my nerves and I have become very negative and stubborn towards her. I ignore most of what she says and value her opinion very little. And he gave me some good advice. When dealing with people, always give them the benefit of the doubt. If she is snappy or irritated towards me, try to "solve" in my mind that she might be having a bad day or had a fight with her husband. This will set the tone of how I react towards her and again her reaction towards me. And also, try to see what the other person needs. Try to meet her needs. Like... does she need acceptance, value, confidence? Does she simply need to be valued in her position of authority?

And even if she is wrong, which I really feel she is a lot of the time, so what. I can deal with it better than I am dealing with it now. God does not expect me to only love and respect the people who are good to me. He expects me to love and respect my enemies. People that hate me. People that are mean to me. People that ignore me. People that are openly discriminating against me. Because that is how we share his love. No one will notice if you are nice to someone who is nice to you. But someone will notice if you are nice to those who are mean to you.

And this is much, much, much easier said than done. And I will need to pray every morning for new patience and new grace. This does not come naturally to me. I am rebellious and stubborn by nature. But I want to adopt God's nature. And I really, really pray that He helps me to do this, because in myseld there is just no strenght.