Thandeka (To be loved)

Happiness

I wonder why we lie to each other. We always say things like "Don't worry, it's going to be okay", "He'll be back and realise his mistake", "She'll get better", "You'll get that job" Most of the time, it's simply not true. We create a false sense of hope only to have it be shattered at a later time. But we have nothing else to say, do we? Because facing the truth, and even harder, talking about it, has become a dying principle. And I speak more about myself even than other people. What do we hope in? Where do we place our faith? Because bad things won't MAYBE happen, they will happen. If it's one thing I learned with my accident- bad things happen. It's more a matter of when and what than if.

So if we cannot place our hope in the fact that things are going to be okay, then what? Maybe, just maybe, we're looking in the wrong place. I learned something valuable these past two weeks. It doesn't have to be going well with us for us to be happy. We don't have to be doing the job we love, being where we'd like to be and having everything go well to be happy. Most of the time it's the struggle that fulfills us. It's in the darkness that we see the light. It's in the hard times that we need God so much, because we have nothing else to hold onto. When things are simply not okay, God is all there is to grab hold of. And getting closer to God is simply what it's all about in the end. Everything else is just a bonus. Relationships with God is happiness. True happiness. True contentment. We can satisfy every desire of our hearts and still die. Or we can be dying and only then learning to live.

Windows to your soul

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. It's so true. Most of the time a person doesn't have to say anything, but their eyes speak volumes. Or often someone talks and talks and talks but their eyes are empty. Their eyes are dying.

I saw an HIV positive patient the other day. She is a one year old girl whose mother died and no one else wants her so she is staying at the hospital permanently. She doesn't have anyone to love or care for her. I was working with her and talking to her and holding her. She doesn't talk. She doesn't seem to communicate at all. Her eyes have died. It's like the eyes of a 75 year old man on his death bed. She doesn't want to try anymore. It seems that in her short time on earth she has learned that people always leave. Systems fail. Life means nothing. Trying is useless. She just simply sits passively. She doesn't seem to want or expect anything. She's not like other children. She's given up.

I've seen patients die, patients who burned their entire faces, patients whose legs are thinner than my wrist and an entire array of horrible things in this hospital. But this is the only patients whose made me cry so far. Children shouldn't be rendered hopeless. Children should dream and play and hope as if anything is possible. Children shouldn't be alone. Something in our society has failed if we cannot even take care of our children.

'n Goeie dag

Okay, so tussen gistraand en vandag was dinge net awesome. Ek was gistraand UIT in graskop. Ek het 'n bier gedrink in graskop. Nie gedink daai woorde kan in dieselfde sin pas nie!! Maar in elk geval, my buurvrou het vir my gevra of ek saammet hulle wil kerktoe gaan. Sure. Kerk. Maybe ontmoet ek nuwe mense. Ek het toe 2 meisies omtrent my ouderdom ontmoet. Die een het 'n 7 maande oue babatjie. Haar man is dood net na die kind se geboorte so dis nogal sad. In elk geval na kerk het ons gaan koffie drink en toe het ons 'n bier gaan drink. Random plek hierdie. En sulke ou omies het vir ons shooters gekoop en apparently is dit normaal want niemand het uitgefreak gelyk nie.

En vanoggend toe ek by die werk kom is ek die lucky wenner van 'n week lange konferensie oor vigs volgende week in badplaas. Jipeee!! Eks verskriklik bly daaroor. So... dit was 'n goeie dag. Nou moet ek net my oe oophou tot die son ondergaan dan kan ek gaan slaap...

O ja, ek het studente! Wits studente wat ek supervise. Dis awesome! Ek gee advise en help hulle met allerhande pasiente en so aan. Dis vreemd, onverwags, amper soos om 'n kind te he sonder om te weet dat jy swanger was. Okay nie so erg nie, maar bitter amper. Ek sit in vergaderings saammet hulle dosente en lyk all professional. He he. Who knew.

It's like I landed smack-dab in the middle of Mozambique. Or some other strange country. I scarcely recognise anything in this strange place. The people speak a strange language and half the time I have no idea what is going on around me. There are NO resources, NONE AT ALL!! There's nothing to do proper OT with. There are no standardised tests, no gorniometer, no referral procedure, no nothing... I have no idea what I'm doing half the time as the tools that I'm used to are unavailable and no one teaches me wrong from right. It's crazy. To be the most hardworking person within a 50m radius....totally new for me:-)

But interesting... I'm learning new ways. I'm supervising students! Crazy, as a little more than I week ago I still was a student. Now I'm telling them what to do. So today I lugged all my books to work as I refuse to treat someone again when I have no idea what I'm doing. I cannot send someone home or back to the ward knowing I made no difference. It's not fair. And it drives me nuts as most of the people at work get paid the same as me or more but never do anything useful. Every idea I pitch to them is fine, as long as they can sit in their offices and have tea. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit, but not a lot though... It's unlike anything I've seen before. The problem is not a LACK of skills, but a lack of people willing to use their skills. Just because people are poor and dont pay for healthcare doesn't mean they can receive inferior treatment. In fact, they use most of their money to just travel to the hospital, so they should be given special care!

So I'm continuing to try my best... Or actually, I'm shoving my "best" up a notch or two and seeing what more I can do. I just hate the feeling of not having made a difference. And I pray to God that I don't become unmotivated.

I like children a lot so I will take it upon myself to see children in the paeds ward and to give education to the mom's of newborns. There's also a place where disabled children are being taken care of and they have NOTHING. Not even proper beds. No toys. No posters on the walls. So if you have something you would like to donate please contact me. They are in more desperate need than the usual term desperate need....

Nothing to hold onto

Me: "Lord, I have nothing to hold onto"
God: "Hold onto me"

So I am

My first day

Okay so I need to commend myself for making it to 5 o clock today without crying. Then I spoke to my mom on the phone and....that was the end. So sorry if you're calling and I'm not picking up but I am composing myself tonight...

Bad things
- no one at the department has a clue wat real occupational therapy looks like
- personal space is a myth
- lunch hour= lunch as-long-as-you-want
- I dont speak sotho or tsonga therefore am lost on half the conversations around me
- the words referral procedure, protocol and organisation got lost somewhere between here and witbank
- cows in the road on the way to work
- no friendly faces when I walk into my room
- my room is half the size with double the stuff
- rain. all the time.

Good things
-Money! (or at least the prospect of it)
- My neighbour is sweet and makes me coffee when I cry
- The people in the house are nice
- no traffic on the way to work
- ummmm?????
- pasta and wine and feeling sorry enough for myself to indulge
- time for myself
- reading my scriptwriting book and having time for it
- ummmm
- I'll come up with more tomorrow

Ciao!